SEMGIRL

School Advice

2011-07-12T15:38:00.000-04:00

Every year the stress and aggravation parents face getting children into the Mosdos schools seems to get worse and worse.There doesn’t seem to be any solution in sight..

After having numerous conversations with various individuals who are allegedly ‘in the know’ , or at least vehemently claim to be, I have gleaned a lot of useful tips and helpful information. I feel it might be beneficial to share this with my readers , or at least that’s my aspirations.

When a couple gets married, they should immediately start looking into the various schools. Observe the parent-body of an institution, ascertain what is the school’s objective, what values do they espouse. Make discreet inquiries as to what the hanhala of the school finds most desirable in its talmidim/talmidot., as well as it’s parent-body. Once, you feel that a particular mosdos might be a good fit for your family-to-be, it behooves you to make the acquaintance of the principles, and if at all possible, the owners of the school. Obviously, common sense dictates that you be as low-key about this as possible. Develop a strong positive relationship with them, they will be invaluable to your network down the road..

Lakewood, as a community, has one of the highest growth rates in the frum world. For many various reasons, the schools can never seem to keep up with constant demand. As a result, every year, virtually every school, has 20-30 seats, that 100 or more children are competing for. Unfortunately, a vast majority of parents find out after its too late, that the decision-makers in almost all the schools , are most favorably inclined to people who made the effort to develop an amiable relationship with them over the years, as opposed to total strangers. I wonder why…

Possibly, there should be an official mentor, who is affiliated with the yeshiva, teaching the chasanim, this every zman. The sad truth is that they feel this isn’t their responsibility. It would be nice if this was officially discussed in the Seminaries, especially to those girls, who have no family in Lakewood and are blissfully of the realities of life here. Once, again for whatever reason, its not..

When your children are first starting out and you are picking a school; make serious inquiries and a ‘hesbon hanefesh’ . Am I picking this school for myself , for the status or image you perceive the school has, , or is this the place that you feel is the best environment for your child to grow in Middos , Torah-values, and Yiras Shomayim.

Discuss this with a Rov you are comfortable with, and get Daas Torah . All too often, the fit is completely skewed and the parents refuse to admit it.

Case in point, a father comes to an interview in a blue shirt and beige pants, and very stridently claims , he is ‘real’ in his Avodas Hashem. He isn’t like all the fakers and frauds that the schools are catering to. While this may or may not be true, REAL WORLD : This ‘real’ father would probably be better off getting together with other like-minded ‘real’ parents and starting their own ‘real’ school. Don’t needlessly sabotage things for yourself and your family and then cry about it to the Vaad.

There is a well-known ruthless school-owner who fancies himself to be Hashem, r”l. His school only takes siblings, so there are only about a half a dozens slots available every year. These spots go the gvirim and their friends. But Shlomo HaMelech already taught us that. (Cesef Yaavor es HaKol)….

How much more so is this true in an inept bankrupt town , where very few parents can afford to pay full tuition. Nevertheless, he likes to tease and torment the rest of us mere mortals with these available places in his schools for his own sadistic amusement.

So, be forewarned , if you inquire about getting a child into one of his schools and he says, ‘I’ll think about it’ … This is code for ‘Don’t call us, we’ll call you’ ..

Which brings us to the next yesod …COMPROMISE… Sometimes, despite the fact that there is nothing wrong with you or your family, you will still be rejected..

KA”H, the population is rapidly growing and outpacing the amount of viable schools , so it’s an extremely competitive atmosphere.

Always be open-minded enough to consider a new mosdos that may meet your needs and more perspicaciously your child’s needs. Often, you will be favorably surprised..

Constructive Criticism

2011-06-13T16:47:00.013-04:00

I have never been a reader or fan of the frum magazines. I read them in the waiting rooms of Doctors, mechanics, etc.. when there was nothing better. I certainly would not waste money buying them.

Recently, I made an exception with Ami . I found it to be the first periodical of this genre that is interesting and written for people with more than a 4th grade education. However, I take strong exception and must vehemently protest an article in the most recent edition. Since, they tenaciously refuse to acknowledge the 21st century and provide a website, I have included the article I am critiquing.

Constructive criticism is desperately and crucially needed in our community. If we resent the attention we receive and treatment we get in the secular media, the simple solution is to stop providing so much material on an almost daily basis.

The author contends that requests to refrain from referring to Charedim as ’ultra orthodox’ have “fell on deaf ears”. With all due respect to Rabbi Katz, author of the article, the media is getting a very mixed message. If a bunch of ’native americans’, were to wear feathered headbands, war-painted faces, loinclothes, replete with tomahawks, and run around manhattan scalping people, I feel its justified for the media to call them Indians. Similarly, the New Square story is EXTREMIST, the posters about ladies talking on cellphones is EXTREMIST, the Hillary Clinton story is EXTREMIST. Shall I continue.

I am not so naïve, as to think that many writers and reporters discussed in this article, arent motivated by anti-Semitism and anti-religious sentiment. However, for the most part , they are just holding up a mirror.

I must protest at the obviously slanted yellow journalism, where Rabbi Katz cites Shalomit Aloni and other vile chiloni leftists of ten to fifteen years ago, and groups them together with the Washington County Observer. The former is an old story of Israeli politics, whereas the latter didn’t actively seek out to attack charedim. A photo in their newspaper was stolen and distorted without permission..

Rule 7 “The use of sarcasm provides cover and camofllage for out and out hateful observations“….. . Do you mean like
“ but far be it from a Charedi writer to correct the grammar or spelling of genuine journalist from the Forward”.

Far be it for me to correct the grammar of the esteemed ami magazine, but FTR, its ‘for a Charedi writer’, not from a Charedi writer..

If we are all so thin skinned that we cant take criticism, then, a) if you cant stand the heat get out of the kitchen, b) stop providing the secular media with so much ammunition

She is awesome

2011-03-22T23:48:00.009-04:00

Hello.... Shalom to any fans that I still have following this blogs. I havent posted in agews, because I have been crazy busy the past year or so.

But, I just had to post this. These ladies are just too funny... Enjoy...

The Illogical World of Chelm

2010-02-18T11:35:00.007-05:00

For those of you wretched souls who watch TV shows either the old-fashioned way or via the internet, Hashem Yishmor, there is a very old show called Star Trek. One of the trademark lines from that show is, "Beam me up Scotty, there is no sign of intelligent life here". That is precisely how I feel right now.

For many years I have noticed that families who are being tortured and harassed by the State Child welfare authorities, receive no (emphasize ZERO) , support or compassion from the community. It takes very little to fall into their net. If you are involved in a divorce, your ex-spouse or their friends/relatives can make allegations against you. If you have a grievance against a neighbor, are jealous of someone, or want to retaliate against another parent causing trouble in your child's school, someone can make an anonymous phone call to the abuse hotline and fabricate a story, or embellish something that happened. No matter how flimsy the report,they are required by law to investigate. If numerous calls are made, a history is created and the children are forcibly removed from the parents home. It is impossible to describe the pain that these parents and children endure-sometimes for years on end. Lives, families and reputations are being ruthlessly destroyed.

On the one hand, this is an incredible community that provides a mind-boggling degree of charity and chesed. From Chaverim, Hatzala,Chai Lifeline, Bonei Olam to the plethora of gemachs of all types the list is overwhelming Boruch Hashem , Kain Yirbu. On the other hand, however, absolutely no support at all is provided to these tragic families. I am not even talking about the legal oskonus that is provided to your everyday, common white-collar criminal who delight in making a major chilul Hashem with his greed and arrogance. But rather a simple phone call, a visit, a sympathetic word, divrei chizuk. Even those individuals we look to as Robbonim and Roshei Yeshivos will usually tell these distraught families, albeit politely, to say tehillim, have a nice day and not to take up any more of the rov's limited time.

Thus I naively thought that this is a very insular community and most people can only respond to what they personally can relate. In the past few weeks, however, all my thoughts, illusions, and attempts to be mlamed zchus (judge favorably) were totally shattered.

It came to light that there was a totally assimilated Jewish man in a far off place who committed a horrible crime. He brutally and mercilessly bludgened a 26 year old gentile park ranger and mother over the head with a flashlight until her brains splattered. Then just to finish her off he shot her at close range. He was convicted of the crime and ended up on death row. Recently he became the cause d'celibre when, after many appeals, his execution date came up.

In contrast to the distinct lack of concern and care shown some local ehrliche families( a couple of whom I know personally ) who have been shattered by child protective agencies, the frum community was falling all over itself to help this convicted murderer avoid execution. The olom was urged to sign petitions, call the governor, write letters, make phone calls, etc. Tehillim was said in yeshiva, seder was extended an hour, all to help this convict avoid execution. The uproar reached a feverish pitch as frantic yungerleit proclaimed this convict to be their brother! Now,I am not an attorney or a Rov, so Im clearly not going to discuss the case here. Personally, I felt that if all the organizations involved asked the olam to email the Governer, why be a 'poresh min hatzibbur' (exclude onself from the Jewish community). Be that as it may, why is anyone who says this whole episode is over and done with and we need to move on labeled an anti-semite? Why are ordinarily very aidel and caring religious Jews saying that the victim was only a goy? Not only don't we feel any collective shame for the criminal act of one of our own, but the family of the victim is receiving phone calls from Jews calling them Nazis! Why?? Why is there no compassion for a family that lost a daughter, mother and sister to murder?

My confusion and anguis knows no bounds. All I can do is beg and plead to Hashem that I be given daas (wisdom) and siyata dshomaya ( divine assistance) to one day understand this...

Seichel Crisis

2009-10-26T20:17:00.000-04:00

All the time I keep hearing about the so called 'Shidduch Crisis'. Everything, nowadays is a crisis. It used to be that a crisis was a pogrom, r"l, a wholesale execution of Jews (Hashem should avenge the blood of all the Kedoshim), a plague, an economic meltdown, etc. Now, it means, that a bunch of spoiled, over-indulged children didnt get the lollypop they wanted.

Anyway, in numerous conversations, as well as, in the high-quality literature that I read (The Voice, Yated, HaModea, Mispocha magazine, etc.) there are numerous letters, and Pullitzer prize-winning articles about the 'Shidduch Crisis'.

Questions that come to mind. Why do we need every 18 yr old right out of HS/Sem going on the 'market' . Maybe if they waited till 20, many positive gains would come out of it. First off, the girls would have more money saved up, and more marketable skills, hence less strain on the parents. There wouldnt be an overwhelming supply of girls for a drastically small amount of immature, arrogant bochurim coming out of the (drumroll please) freezer.In economics, they call this 'Market Equlibrium', the point where the x-axis ( spoiled girls who want top boys from designer-name yeshivas ) meets the y-axis(aforementioned boys who plan to be in 'in yeshiva' for a very long time; some may even learn a little Torah).

Another question: Why does the financial responsibility of all this rest squarely on the girl and her parents. It seems only fair and just that the boy have some sort of business, or job during bain hasedorim or at least in the summer bain hazmanim. If he is learning so intesnsely, that he requires full support from his wife and her parents, at the very least, there should be a weekly exam to see where he is holding. Once again, in economics, this is known as evaluating 'return on equity' .

But alas, we dont do that, today, because the yeshiva world is becoming an increasingly unjust, misogynistic soceity.To be fair, the women are just as much, to blame, if not more so, then the men.

Recently, I had a discussion with a group of ladies on this topic. A few claimed that the Seminaries are teaching the girls too much , they are going to scare the boys away. I countered , so let the boys learn harder to keep up. Suddenly, I was shunned and ignored by all present. Ah, Plato and his social theories of ostracism, in ancient Athens, are alive and well in 21st century Lakewood.

Current attitudes in vogue, are even reflected in ladie's fashions. Whereas, not so long ago, you had the full blown sheitl or (up-dos for single girls ) , big shoulder-pads and power=suits. Now, the prevalent style among the hordes of yeshivish girls and married women eager to be part of the herd, is the pony-tail, sweater top, A-line skirt, replete with tights and ballet slippers. The message of this ensemble is loud and clear, 'Please marry me, Im very non-threatening and submissive' . Or, it just might be that , they are all appealing to immature little boys who be intimidated by a real woman, and prefer little girls/barby dolls instead,.

That is why I truely dont believe there is a Shidduch crisis. There is a Seichel Crisis .. Hashem should hear our tefilos 'Hashiva Shofteinu Cvirishona ' and return daas to clall yisroel. And may Eliyahu come speedily in our days to end all this nonsense..

Chesed Knows No Bounds

2009-08-25T18:17:00.002-04:00

Just thought I should post this, for anyone who still reads this blog..

Found on Luach.com (Thanks O!)

Personal Shopper for Chesed
If anyone knows of any girls that are in shidduchim that need help
picking out outfits, make up, hair, etc. Please feel free to email
me. Hashem gave me a sense of fashion and I would love to use it to
help girls in need. You can email me at Lissy389 [at yahoo]

ORGANIZED IGNORANCE

2008-12-29T23:53:00.004-05:00

One of my biggest peeves with Lakewood and Right Wing Orthodox soceity in general, is the abysmal, lacadaisical atitude towards learning for women.

The famous principle of 'Col Hamalamud Es Bito Torah..Kiilu Melamed Es Tiflus" is grossly distorted and m,isunderstood to mean that women are proscribed from any intellectual Jewish experience. Sure, there is some form of diluted Jewish studies in school from K-8 , and even Semilnary, if your very lucky. Although, now it seems thats many individuals are starting to feel that even Seminary is an extravagent luxury. The economy is in the doldrums, so why should so much money be wasted on mere girls.

But, this is all basically, just 'school' . It isnt an intellectual rel-ship with our beautiful and rich heritge. Part of it is human nature. If you give any group or soceity be they be men, women, blacks, whites, or Aluetian eskimos, permission not to learn, the basic desire to be lazy will kick in. Then you add to that, a social undercurrent and philosphy, that says its not only permissible for women not to learn, but even laudatory if she doesnt. Obviously, what you will get is a community of young girls and women who are totally shallow, self-absorbed, materialistic, and devoid of spirituality and enthusiasm for yiddishkeit. Then so many Rebbetzins and Rabbonim, bemoan the fact that many girls are chasing after Fresnch designers who are the antithesis of our culture and values, and wearing very immodest outfits and styles. Gee!!!, I wonder why... Their solution: more inane sppeches, regurgitating the same guidelines we have all had shoved down our throat since we were little from childish pamplets.

Good luck with that. Thats like, using cremes and ointments for a severe rash, when a powerful antbiotic taking orally is required. Actually, I am amazed that so many women keep any degree of tznius, considering how spiritually malnourished they are.

Recently, I went to a 'shiur' that probably should of been called a social get-together or 'girls-nite-out' . I have a good mind to sue them for fraudelent advertising. A very prominent Lakewood Rebbitzen, was giving a lecture and asking us for topics to talk about. When, I mentioned, 'How about Mesilas Yesharim', she said, "we arent going to sink our teetth into that..What does that mean exactly?? I would really like to know. Instead she decided to put on a heimishe version of the Martha Stewart show... ITS (NOT) A GOOD THING...

Rav Yosha Ber Soloveitchek (affecctionately known as the Rov), said thst in our times, women should learn all forms of Torah. I realize thats a very controversial opinion, but I also refuse to believe that there is anyone walking the streets of Lakewood that comes up to the Rov's toenails in Torah knowledge and genius.

Even, in basic Tanach and Halacha, the Shulchan Aruch HaRav wriiten by the the Baal HaTanya says that if a man learned everything a women should learn, he would be
called HaRav HaGaon.

Reb Chaim Brisker writes that a person who doesnt know the 13 Cardinal Principles of our faith (Yud Gimmel Ikkarim), is an apikorus, because, 'a nebach apikorus is also an apikorus' .If you dont review the basic elements of Yahdus, daily, you wont know them, its that simple.

I was never a conspiracy-theorist, but I'm really starting to feel that this all a brilliantly diabolical scheme on the part of the powers that be and the old boys network, to intentionally keep the women ignorant. This has been in every totalitarian system throughout history, from ancient Greece and Rome, to the surfdoms of medieval europe, to the old pre-Civil War south to many 3rd countries today. You keep one segment of the population ignorant so they can be overworked and exploited and support the comfortable lifestyle of the other segment.

Obviously, you can use the old ruthless methods of the old South. So you devise a more cunning plan. You make very exquisite women's events that are all show and no substance. Have very fancy nouveaux cuisine food served, along with frivolous airhead sppeches that talk about the wonderful Nashim Tzidkonius who support their husbands in Yeshiva, as well as, keeping BMG Inc..'s bottom line healthy before they need a bail-out too. If too many women started to seriously learn what they are allowed to according to all opinions, there might be a collective, "Wait just a second, we want to be cut in for a bigger piece of the action". Then the syndicate would be in serious trouble.

Ironically, when I discuss this with other ladies, they are more outraged and offended by my feelings and thoughts then the men are. Some of said, I am too busy with my children to think of such nonsense.. Or I dont worry about that, thats why I have a happier life then you. Translation : 'Dem der nigger just dont know his place' .

This truely saddens me, because Yiddishkeit is so rich and beautiful. The more I learn online, the more angry and disgusted I become with ORGANIZED IGNORANCE...

Call The Men In The White Coats

2008-10-24T00:12:00.002-04:00

I had a wonderful time over Succos. Unfortunately ( or fortunately, if you consider the comic relief value), I met some rather interesting characters.

A friend of mine really worked overtime, laboriously for months, making a Shidduch. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy , blaaaa blaa, blaaa. Wonderful, they get engaged. Dont say Mazal Tov, just yet. One set of in-laws was adamant that the Choson wear his payos up, the other was just as adamant that he wear them down. Ultimately, it proved to be such a bone of contention that the engagement was called off. After much heated negotiation and mediation, they got back together. Even though, the Shadchan was in Israel on business, they were cajoled into proceding , as its such a volatile situation, it was too risky to wait . I kid you not. I thought of the perfect compromise. How about, one payos up, and one payos down..

At one of the meals, one of the guests warmly greeted someone she hadnt seen for quite a while, "Chava Sara, how are you". Chava Sara was furious and demanded to know, who told her that her full name is Chava Sara. It seems that she only goes by Chava, because her son is "on the market", and he wont be able to date all the lovely Sarahs out there, if it became public knowledge that her few name includes Sarah. How one innocent greeting at a Yom Tov suddenly, puts its on a neon billboard on 13th Ave, I dont quite understand. Also, if that is in fact her name, then halachically speaking, does it matter who knows and who doesnt. You iz who you iz, to quote a famous rapper.. But I guess no one informed her of that, or maybe she was just too busy shopping.

Finally, we have Bais Yacob's finest and brightest..NOT.. Her wishlist is a "stark" learning boy, who learn and intends to take up space permanently in the finest yeshivas in the world. However, he should also be more handsome then Leonardo DiCaprio and come from a very wealthy family. Personally, I think she needs a wizard who can wave a magic wand, and SHAZAM transform, a spoiled, shallow, superficial Paris Hilton wannabee into a bas Yisroel.. Now that would be some feat.

I hope everyone elses's Yom Tov was equally amusing, and entertaining. Seriously, "AVINU MALKEINU SHELACH REFUAH SHLEIMA L CHOLEI AMECHA"

Top Girl

2008-09-22T09:59:00.002-04:00

Over Shabbos, I met my friend's sister for the first time since she came back from Seminary. Naturally, the first question is do you know of a shidduch. In the course of telling me what her wish-list is, she said that rather irritating phrase I hear all too often. "I'm looking for money, or I want a very good bochur, because I'm a top girl".

Which got me to thinking, what exactly is a top-girl. This girl isn't exactly a raving beauty, she is of average looks, she isn't the valedictorian, or the biggest genius in her class. Her family is very nice, and real baalei-chesed, but her father isn't exactly a Rosh Yeshiva or an Adom Godol, nor is he very affluent, by any stretch of the imagination. He is a very sweet, geshmak near-do-well.. In terms of tznius, I wouldn't say that she is lacking in this area , relatively speaking, in this very weak generation, however, she isn't a paragon or a role-model in this area either.

So what exactly makes someone a "top-girl". Based on a very simple perfunctory understanding of Mesillas Yesharim, I would think that someone who announces, "I'm a top-girl, by definition is a bottom-girl. By the obvious presence of excessive 'gaiva' or arrogance , and sheer void of understanding on the simplest level of what the Mussar seforim say.

In short, I'm at a losss to understand, what is a "top-girl" .. Maybe it is the most thoroughly indoctrinated, the girl who thinks the least, because her chip-implant is entirely intact. Basically, the future Collel-wife, who will be the least controversial and threatening . In other words, a perfectly, submissive drone in the BMG collective.

I wish her all the brocha and hatzlacha in the world, and it is my sincerest desire that she grow to actually become a "top-girl" the way the Torah and our sages have always defined that, rather then merely in the cultural, colloquial sense..

More Lakewood Games

2008-09-08T11:20:00.002-04:00

Ok, I have been enjoying my vacation and retirement for a while now. Also, I didn’t feel I really had much to write about.

But now my blood is boiling, so I’m forced to post. Personally, I honestly, don’t see what all the fuss is about with the girl’s high schools. The smartest thing the girls who weren’t accepted and the families can do is go to an out-of-town High school. The secular education is absolutely abysmal. I know all the self-righteous hypocritical terds will disparage that. That is until, you successfully, complete college, get an advanced degree and a lucrative career. Then these selfsame characters, are the very first to be picking your pockets like a pack of vultures. I have yet to meet one professional girl or married woman tell me that her money wasn’t accepted by one of the Mosdos. Let’s face it they aren’t teaching the girls Torah, chas v’shalom, so at least give them a decent, adequate secular education. Since that obviously, isn’t going to happen so fast, those girls who are forced to go to an out-of-town high school are actually the lucky ones in my perception.

For those, who do not feel that way, the following solutions might be just the fix needed. Admittedly, they are rather hardball and draconian, but desperate times call for desperate measures. All the parents should band together as a sign of achdus and ahavas yisroel, since it is Elul. At the very least, all parents that have had to deal with this aggravation and heartache at one time or other, should refuse to pay tuition, building fund, or donations of any kind for a month for each week that this nonsense continues. When the Reshoyim masquerading as hanhala for the high schools can’t pay salaries to their staff, or utilities, or mortgage, it will teach them a lesson they will not forget anytime soon.

I really hate to be the bearer of bad news, but due to multitude of our numerous sins, we are still in Golus., and mere guest of this country. Bh, America is a “medina shel chesed” , but there are still laws. One of them is known as the “truancy law”. If one of the parents affected, or just a resident of Lakewood, who is angry enough, were to call up the State Education dept., theoretically they could force all the girls to attend public school, until this matter is resolved. Something, tells me, that if that were to occur, all the girls would magically be accepted, faster, then the the time it takes to read this blog. Perhaps, the State of New Jersey, should hold the Roshei Yeshiva legally responsible for accessory to a crime . Namely, the violation of the Truancy law.

It is my sincere hope and wish, that all the girls are back in school this week. And that mashiach should come speedily, so this preposterous, disgusting nonsense doesn’t keep happening..

Shidduch info

2008-05-19T06:11:00.003-04:00

I just thought I would pass along to anyone who still reads this blog, that there is a new website, which Iyh, will be a big toeles, to the many girls who are still looking for their zivug.

I saw it being advertised in most of the shuls and stores in Monsey. Since, hardly anyone seems to know about it in Lakewood, its worth mentioning..

How many times do parents and shadchanim hear the name of what sounds like a great boy, but have no idea how to find information about him? Shidduchimlist.com was created to simplify the process, and hopefully, with the help of Hashem, generate many more shidduchim for Klal Yisrael!

If this helps even one girl, I will be very happy that I posted this.

Shocked

2008-04-23T16:11:00.006-04:00

Recently I noticed this post , which alerted me to Chana’s post .. I was a bit surprised as Im a pretty loyal reader and fan of her blog. Guess I must of missed it. I can totally relate to her experience. Chana, I really feel for you from the bottom of my heart. Even though I never met you in person I consider you to be a close friend, so I mean what Im about to say in the best possible way.

However, I would like to give my spin on it. This isn’t meant to be offensive or critical, its merely my thoughts.

My high school experiences, were somewhat similar to those described by Chana. The main difference being I didn’t go to a mild, ‘harry-ish’ Bais Yacob in Chicago. Nope, I attended a REAL hard-core girl’s HS in Lakewood, the “largest Torah citadel since Sura and Pumbadisa” (sic)… Which was way, way more repressive in every sense of the word, then the school Chana described. There were official and un-official rules, dress-codes, and policies, for just about every imaginable thing, and I broke them all.. They weren’t only mandated but in school but throughout the whole community as well.

But then a funny thing happened. I went to the city, partied a bit (maybe more then a bit, lol), had some fun, got my GED, went to a program in a Seminary in Israel , came home , spiritually as well as geographically, went to college, and eventually got married.. Then guess what…

I GREW UP……

In the nineties, the Cold War, dissipated. Suddenly the tregimes across the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe radically changed after nearly seventy years. This created unheard of freedoms of expression for vast numbers of citizens. It eventually led to the dismantling of the Berlin Wall.

The good news is that a similar phenomena is occurring in Lakewood and thruout the frum-world.Not as a result of glasnost, persestroika, diplomacy or new political policy. But rather due to new innovative technologies. After intense gender-apartheid and tremendous disparity of learning opportunities, for the haves and have-nots of yeshiva-soceity (namely men and women), my entire life, things are finally changing drastically.

There is a really beautiful thing called Kol HaLoshon. You simply dial up their phone number, follow the menu, voilla, you have access to over 70,000 shiurim. There is a myriad of lectures in a half a dozen different languages from Maggidei Shiurim around the globe on halacha, hashkafa, mussar, daf-yomi, nach,mishnayos, gammarra, etc… all at your disposa. Another mind-blowing innovating are computer kiosks that are popping up in frum communities all over the world. In Lakewood there are currently several of them, one merely needs to insert an MP3 player or Ipod in the USB port and Shazzam 1000s of shiurim on every conceivable part of Torah are yours for the taking. I always feel like a kid in a candy shop. Alternatively, one can download the software from the Kol HaLoshon web-site..

As a result of this, it causes me considerable agmas nefesh to see that lately, a lot of Chana’s posts, seemingly appear to contain a lot of Kefira . She was always a hero and role-model of mine.

For example in this post ... which is written along the lines of a morbid Edgar Allen Poe melodramatic dirge, as opposed to an essay on Torah concepts she basically says the whole point of waiting and daverning for messiah, is working toward self-extinction which no rationale person wants..

Apparently, Chana never saw the Ram in 12:4 of H' Melochim where he discusses this matter.The Raavad, immediately fumes that it is utter folly and foolishness to delve into these matters as this is something no one knows clearly, and a protracted discussion about it doesnt lead to Yiras Shomayim.The Gammarra in Sanhedrin 99a along with the commentaries pretty much concludes that there will be a nitzhiis or eternity. So I am at a loss as to where Chana got this concept of self-annihilation. Sounds very Buddhist to me..

In her post "I dont want Moshiach", she writes "or is it the body that served best".. Once again, I beg to differ, but according to an excellent shiur on Mishli that I recently heard, there is a sefer called Sefer Gilgulim, that discusses this at length. The Gra and the Netivos Mispat, both hold that the last gilgul is the come that comes to Tehiyas Maisim. As this was the gilgul that finally accomplished its mission, thus no further gilgulim were required. And even, when this unfortunately isnt the case, this is still the one that returns, despite the fact it isnt necessarily the body who served best. The Maggid Mesharim as brought by the Bais Yoisef say that all the gilgulim return and that is how we poskin.

In this very same post, she is once again pondering over total destruction of this world. This is clearly not the approach taken by all the commentaries I saw in Helek or the Rabbeinu Bechaya, or most Chassidishe seforim.

Now I could understand this and take it all with the proverbial 'grain of salt', if Chana was just your average Bais Yacob girl, whose head was filled with dress sizes, cake recipes and boys (excuse me, shidduchim, lol) . But our Chana know Tanach, and claims she always won the argument and could always beat her teachers at their own game. Yet in a number of her posts she is literally declaring loud and clear to the world that she never saw a Tanya, a Nefesh HaChayim, a Maharal, a Chovos Levovos, or even an english copy of Mictav M'Eliyahu.

In Mishli (13.2), many meforshim explain that building requires absolute clarity. The most miniscule doubts destroys one's emuna, prevents chochma.

I believe Chana's pedagogue, R Yosha Ber Soloveitchik would be the first to agree with this. Not knowing the 13 articles of faith, solidly renders one inable to believe them. As Chaim Brisker was wont to say "a nebech apokorus is oiich an apokoris" ( a heretic as result of circumstances is still a heretic) .

Chana, it is absolutely awful the way you were treated in high school. However, in order to effect change, hopefully prevent other girls from going thru what you went thru, one needs credibility and siyata d'shomaya. Constantly, saying apikorsus isnt a way to get either...

Advice Needed

2007-12-15T23:55:00.000-05:00

I have wanted to write this for many, many weeks, but so much is going on in my life that I keep getting sidetracked.

A month or two ago I was approached in a local parking lot of a shopping center by a high school girl asking me for a ride.While I was driving her home, we got to talking, and I saw so much of myself at that age, that we ended up talking for about 3 hours. In outward appearances, and atitude, she looked pretty much like me in high school, denim skirt, nude tights with work-boots, sweat shirt and garrish necklaces.

However, Malky (obviously, not her real name), has some serious issues. For starters, she is planning on dropping out of high school, because she is failing all her classes.She claimed that this a result of severe ADD, but after an hour or so of talking, I said you seem to be able to focus on what I am saying, to which she conceded that she only does well in a one on one setting.

It is very possible that Malky and girls like her would suceed in a close peer-peer setting as opposed to large classes that are very common in all the girls high schools. Even by adult women, I have always noticed that by ladies's shiurim there is a Rebbitzen or Rabbi lecturing, and all the women just sit passively, with effect being that all but the most dedicated women tend to space out. Whereas, by mens shiurim, the Rov sits in the middle of a group of men and its very interactive.

Getting back to the subject of high schools, this resulys in a tremendous lack of self-esteem. and depression which exacerbates the situation.

Tznius is discussed in these high schools, strictly in terms of 'dont machshil boys'. Aside, from the fact that is blatantly distorting the truth, it has the effect of driving girls, specifically the ones who arent successful in school, to first rebel.When I said, you arent a hispanic girl, your a bas Yisroel, your special, dont cheapen yourself.Just like a sefer Torah is covered in a beautful mantle and hidden in an Aron HaKodesh, a Bas Yisroel is covered in a dignified way. Malka liked that approach and said she never heard it presented that way before. Then she shared with me that she and her friends occassionally spend the night with some Israeli guys. I tried to impress upon her how potentially dangerous that is. She said she knows, but her friend doesnt care.

I was somewhat shocked when she rolled up her sleeve to show me that she sometimes cuts her self. Fortunately, she claims to have stopped, because the bleeding really scared her.

It pains me greatly that I wasnt able to do more then just be an ear to listen as I dont have professional training for this sort of thing, but I would appreciate advice on dealing with situations like this.

Response to an OLD post

2007-10-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

Recently, I was shocked to see that people still read stuff I wrote 2 years ago. I received the following the email please

Hi Sem girl. I posted a response to your post on my blog. Please read it. think about it and let me know what you think.

Upon checking her blog I found the following.

Researching tznius on the internet, trying to gain a deeper perspective and understanding, I stumbled across an interesting looking blog-post by "Semgirl". After reading this, and continuing to read on to some other of semgirl's posts, I feel compelled to respond.Firstly, I see that semgirl really tries to be neutral on topics. She states that she went to BY and to Sem and therefore doesn't need to be reminded of tznius in shops etc. I happen to agree that the prices and environment of the "frum stores" in NY is certainly not ideal. Yet, that is what we have!* * * All the criticism in the world won't change the flaws of the frum community. The ONLY way to change the community as a whole- is to look to yourself as to what impression you leave on people, what example you are setting. * * *As to not needing the reminders in the shop- going to BY and Sem is clearly not enough! Look how many untnius girls there are out there! And it is not becuase of having it "rammed down your throat"! It's because girls aren't aware what tnius really is and these Rebbetzins etc are trying. Don't speak ill of them, even if you're sick of it, don't encourage others not to listen.And I would like to tell Semgirl- your post is well written and your topics are relevant. There are many impressionable minds reading it! Try to be positive about the frum world! People don't need any more encouragement to see it's flaws! Anti semitism within and outside the Jewish people is rampant! We must not bury our heads in the sand- we need to see the problems! But in order to solve them- to learn from others' mistakes and behave correctly ourselves! Not to breed hate amongst ourselves. Be positive about the frum world! Offer suggestions as to how we can be better!Semgirl- stop being so negative and critical. It's not productive and you'll be accountable one day, ad meah v'esrim.People read your posts, and people take things to heart.

Here is my response :

What I was trying to say in my post was that tznius comes from the inside out. Preaching over and over again at adolescent girls about the importance of tznius isn't going to change anything. If anything, its only going to make the situation worse. Adolescence isa very contrary and rebelous stage of life. Also we all know proper sleave length, skirt length, etc....we dont need endless and often boring reviews of hilchos tznius. The above are just very superficial attempts at a solution. If a girl (or lady for that matter) feels the need to dress in an attention getting or possibly provocative manner it is obviously indicative of a much deeper problem than a mere lack of knowledge about tznius. A lack of self esteem is the first possibility that comes to mind. Lets examine the most common approach to tznius education. The girls are told that they must be ever so careful in their tznius so as not to give boys and men bad thoughts by the slightest glance at them. This reduces males to the status of dirty minded perverts and females to the status of temptresses and sex objects. It seems to me that a far healthier approach would be to empahsize the holiness and specialness of the Jewish woman. Just as a sefer torah is carefully and reverently covered, so too is the Jewish woman. That to dress in a common and banal manner is simply beneath her dignity. A Jewish woman is neither cheap nor common. I wont even get into the lack of respect with which young women are treated on the shidduch scene. Her only worth is her looks, dress size and her bank account. Therefore, is it any wonder that young women feel the need to look like goyishe fashion models? Thus, I also submit that the attitudes of young bochurim towards girls need to change. They need to realize that young Jewish women are not mere sex objects and work horses. Jewish men need to treat Jewish women with the respect and dignity due a bas melech. I truly feel if these ideas were implemented, the level of tznius in both dress and behavior would drastically improve.

Mazal Tov

2007-08-17T02:14:00.000-04:00

Sorry that I haven't been able to post much lately. Its been a combination of writers block and stuff going on in my personal life..

I want to extend a Mazal Tov to my closest friend Elisheva, who recently gave birth to beautiful baby girl. May she have loads of Yiddishe Nachas from this child and all her futures children and grandchildren. She should be zocheh to dance at all their Chasanas...

Let me also use this opportunity to ask mehila of any readers or bloggers I may of offended this year..

A Real Role Model

2007-05-13T01:12:00.000-04:00

It isnt often that I meet a young lady on or offline that I find so impressive and inspirational, so when I do, I felt a short post about her was due.

Recently, I made the acquaintance of a very fascinating, accomplished young lady online. I really wish that I knew her in real life. She started out like so many of us, a rather innocent, very spoiled Bais Yacob girl (well actually, she comes from a very Chasidish family, so she didnt exactly go to BY, but you get the picture). When she was about 16, she became very sick with Yenna Machla R"L. In Hashems infinite chesed and compassion, she had a miraculous recovery, followed by a romantic courtship and wedding that most of us only dream about.

She was kind enough to send me a link to her blog, which I posted here a few weeks ago. Unlike the silly, whimsical, albeit entertaining blogs, such as mine and most of the blogs that I've been a reader and commenter of these past few years, this is a very serious, well written, yet humorous blog that will make you laugh, cry, and feel good at the same time. I highly recommend it and can not say enough praise.

Currently, she is very active in many Chesed activities. Due to her tremendous anivus, she asked me not to write about them. Suffice it to say I know very women twice her age that are involved in a fraction of what she is. This is addition to a full-time job teaching in Bais Yacob and pursuing an eventual career in Law. It is one thing to hear a lecture in school or at a Chinese auction, or read a book, its quite another to see it for real.

I am totally and completely in awe of this girl, and very embarrassed when I consider what my friends and I were doing at 19, basically just running after boys, finishing up Seminary, and obsessing about fashion and the latest fads. I totally recomend checking out her blog...

Sexcapades .....Nebach

2007-03-23T16:17:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have been following an unusual website. It is billed as a website to help with frum marital advice. I have a feeling, though that it hurts more then it helps. In fact, several readers have sent me emails claiming that there are several confirmed divorces that are directly related to the eroneous information contained in this website.

However, I find it extremely interest how one can write about the most banal, nivul peh, any sick fantasy one has, or other obscene matters all in the name of promoting Shalom Bayis, of course. On the other hand, if one writes the often painful truth, or something they don’t want to hear, it will be immediately deleted.

For example, I recently entered into a conversation entitled, What is the best surprise you gave your husband. Now I personally thought of my marriage, in which if I see my husband's shoes are worn out, or his shirt is torn, I will immediately replace it with something nice, If I notice that he is constantly interested in some device in a computer, electronics, or home-repair store, I will buy it and surprise him whenever possible.On the contrary, the vast majority of commenters in this discussion were suggesting things that can’t be mentiond on a wholesome, family-oriented blog.

My comments were immediately deleted, with the following response:

While its wonderful to be "bonded emotionally and spiritually in the most intense way", as years pass, some of our relationships, aren't like lines out of a cheesy romance novel, (I'm sure your husband carries your heaving mass over the threshhold before your bodies become intertwined as one writhing force of celebrated passion blah blah blah as well.)

For the rest of us, these little gestures are the key to keeping things new and exciting, which carries over to the emotional side of the relationship. Kol Hakavod lady. Keep on flashing!!

I believe the above speaks volumes about the current state of our society. It’s much easier to blame all our problems on the internet and secular entertainment than to make a thorough, sincere and often painful chesbon hanefesh. It’s much easier to be makpid on this weeks chumra than to seriously work on improving ones middos and being makpid in bein odom l’chavera. Wearing white shirts, darkening the part in the sheitel and constantly coming up with new chumras in kashruth and tznius is a lot more comfortable than diligently learning Ahavas Chesed and being makiam the Chofetz Chiams timeless and holy words. Afterall, feeling supierior to your neighbor who wears a denim skirt is a lot more geshmake than being moser nefesh to do a chesed for someone who was less than nice to you.

It a similar vein, it is so much easier to emulate and outdo whatever one would find on an obscene pornsite, and proclaim, "we're married, not only is it permitted, its a mitzva ", then to work one's marriage so that it does become "lines out of a romance novel", There is nothing at all cheesey about that at all

Clearly, its not my place to say what is technically halachically or haskafically permitted in marriage. Speak to your Rov about it. All I am going to postulate is, that if you do have a passionate, warm relationship, you will not feel the need to scream about your sexcapades on or offline. And you certainly wont go postal, when someone says they aren’t interested in hearing about it,

High Aspirations

2007-02-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend I noticed this letter in one of the local magazines, and found it to be extremely offensive. Maybe its just me but it seems that Lakewood is becoming more and more distasteful all the time. At least most people used to work hard at creating an illusion of being sincere ehliche Yidden that believed in Chovos HaLovovos. Now it seems they dont even try to do that anymore.

This letter basically says, if you don't come from our corporate headquarters-approved elementary school, or are a sibling from the aforementioned school, or are a child of one of the employees at the corporate school, then WE DO NOT WANT YOU... its as simple as that..

In my naivete, I thought high schools were about fairness and educational achievement. This basically says that if you come from the right school, even your grades don't matter. If you don't come from the right school even a straight A average won't help. I would strongly recommend that entrance exams be instituted in all Lakewood Girl's high schools. This will encourage girls to strive for excellence in academic achievement . That way every girl has a fair chance of admission regardless of family or school background. It also greatly reduces the politics involved.

This brings to mind the concept of the ever elusive "good girl". What exactly defines a good girl, it isnt grades, and it certainly isnt excellence in learning or bain odom lchaveiro. Perhaps, you ,dear readers, can enlighten me.

A girl in Monsey recently, told me that striving for academic superiority is a waste of time because after marriage, the valedictorian and the girl at the bottom of her class will be mopping the same floor. This is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard in my life. Talk about high aspirations......

MAZEL TOV!!!!

2007-01-29T16:27:00.000-05:00

Since there have been so many requests in the comments and emails for a positive post, I'll give it a try. Shpitzle inspired this one.

Recently two close blog-friends got engaged. I wish them much happiness ad meah v esrim.

I'd like to pass on a few tips that I have found to be beneficial in marriage. Reb Moshe zt'l is rumored to have said that in any argument with a spouse always say I'm sorry, your right regardless of who is at fault, as fault seldomly matters. A yungerman once complained to the Steipler Zt'l. He said my house is always a chaotic mess before Shabbos, to which the Steipler answered nemt a baizim (take a broom and do something) .

Often there are numerous little spats over who left the toothpaste cover off, or didn't flush the toilet, or left laundry on the floor. I have found that usually , it isn't about these trivial little matters at all. Its really about about the lack of intimacy.

These are my thoughts on the subject. I know many of you will disagree adamantly and, hey, you are entitled to do so.

No amount of sex after a major fight will make things right again, just like a whole can of deodorant wont help if you haven't bathed in a week. You need to work things out and talk things over, just like you to need to vigorously scrub a pot clean, and not merely dump a lot of spices in it.

Victorias Secret is nice, but it is not a substitute for sincere love, affection, or closeness. Never compare what is going on in your bedroom with those of your friends, because often other ladies like to fantasize and exaggerate. Even when they are 100% truthful, what they don't tell you is that the dynamics of their relationship is dramatically different then your own. That makes all the difference in the world. So it is usually better to be content with what makes you both happy, as opposed to what you think yenna is getting and your not. Yenna may not be getting it after all, and even if he or she is you probably wouldn't want to pay the price they are.

My parents made it a point to never go to bed angry and all end phone calls with I love you.

HaKodosh Boroch Hu in his infinite kindness gave us marital relations as a means to get closer to our spouse through making love, not getting off. Thus intimacy should preferably take place when you are both in the mood. Anything else is just prostitution or rape.

How often we go to great lengths to do a chesed for a fellow yeed we don't even know, yet refuse to extend the most basic courtesy or tolerance to our spouse. As beautiful as the first case is, the second is far more important. For example, if your husband likes collecting old magazines or junk and it drives you insane, if you just go along with it, that is the true test of chesed. So much more so than how many cakes you bake for a Sheva Brochas.

Of course, R Yisroel Salanter once said that every rule has a Yotzeh Min HaClall and this statement itself has a Yoitzeh Min HaClall..

In conclusion I would like to confer a brocha on my two friends that they be zocheh to build a Bayis Neeman B'Yisroel, and fulfill Sameeach Tsamach Reyim Ahuvim K Samechacha MKedem in the fullest sense possible..

A Rebuttal

2007-01-16T02:30:00.000-05:00

Since I have been receiving some flak about the last few negative posts I've written. I have decided to open my blog to guest writers.. Here is the first of them from a loyal reader who has been here since I started the blog..

I would like to thank Mrs. SemGirl, for allowing me to be a guest blogger, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you would write too.When I was asked to write a post- I was told "We all enjoy 'feel good' pieces but if it is all Lakewood is perfect then, send it to the "The Voice of Lakewood""

Well I think I spelled it out. Lakewood is a town with many different types of people. You have Chasidish, Black hatters, yeshivish, Sefardim, "regular people", modern people and all the others that fit somewhere in between. Its a community like all others. Whatever type one may be if you fit in, or find your groove you'll look from the inside out and look and the good.

Rabbi Forcheimer gave a speech a half a year ago about Tznius, everyone (at least in blog world) was up in arms. He's being too Makpid, you can't drop off your husband by yeshiva, "just in case" a bochur sees your wife with a snood up to her eyes. Or maybe a under privileged husband may see some pretty lady changing seats and may be jealous.While all this sounds crazy and very far fetched, if Rabbi Forcheimer is saying it, there must be some basis to it. Where there is smoke there is fire.Why not instead of ridiculing his speech, try to understand what the problem is. How hard is it for the wife to be driving and not have to switch seats. Or how hard is it for the wife to hold back blowing a kiss to her hubby that she will miss for 3 hours??There are issues all over.

But let's find the positive. (if I want I can probably list over 100 problems with Lakewood or any other community)Let's look at the chesed done in the community- Hatzalah, Bikur Cholim, Tomchai Shabbos, bonei Olam, and Chaverim.Those are all volunteers sacrifice all there personal time (also their families) for the tzibur. Where do we find such a thing??Let's look at the positive.

Inside Out

2006-12-31T18:24:00.000-05:00

Before anyone gets a chance to say it, I'll say it myself. I'm going to be touching on things I've written about before.In fact I'm going to take what many readers see as my favorite topics, add a new slant and show how they are connected.Yup, it's another post on tznius and it was inspired by a post on Megapixel's Blog and a comment I made in response to this post.

Nowadays everyone in cyberland and real life is going on and on about tznius. What's tzniusdik and whats not, what is mikshul males and why, various rabonim and rebitzens speaking out on tznius, the view that tznius is for women what learning is for men, the lack of tznius,women wearing flashy clothing and more. It's all been discussed here either in my posts or in various comments.

I hope you, my readers, will indulge me a bit while I once again reiterate my extreme distaste for the overemphasis on tznius. It causes some young girls to rebel either in obvious or not so obvious ways and it makes even more of us just plain sick and tired of hearing about it. What it doesn't do is increase the overall level of tznius and wholesomeness. Here's why.

There's much more to tznius than covering one's knees, elbows, collarbone and hair. We all know ladies who do all of the aforementioned and still somehow fall short of the mark. Yeah, I'm sure we've discussed that too but here's where I go into new territory. Here's where the title of this post comes in and I sugest that we've got things backwards. I submit that if we raise the level of pride and dignity of the Jewish woman, the rest will follow. If we teach her that the term bas melech is more than a figure of speech, we wont need to harp on hemlines ad nauseum. If we teach her how truly holy and special the Jewish woman is and make her truly feel that way, she might not be tempted to follow some gay designers vision of beauty. Here's the catch: it has to be more than lip service.

Actions speak louder than words.Here's the tie in with other previously discussed topics. If an eligible girl is looking for a husband and the first question that's asked of her is her dress size, what does that tell her? She's a sex object. So why shouldn't she try to dress like some pop singer who's also a sex object? (with collarbone, arms and knees covered, of course) If there's pitifly few shuirm of substance for a woman, what does that tell her? That her intellect and ruchnius don't matter. So why not go for gashmius in the form of flashy clothing? Afterall, her husbands and sons have the black siuts and hats. If all the events for her are all about fancy decor, even fancier buffets and fluffy speeches, can anyone blame her for wanting to win the fancy sheitel at the chinese auction? Most things geared towards her are about superficiality. She's told that the more ruchniusdik things are for her husbands and sons.How does she elevate herself spiritually? She's further told that her most important mitzvah is to not be mikshul men. That makes her just a dangerous but necessary object of temption. She's told to support her husbands learning: so she's an overworked ATM. Thats a far cry from the holy and special bas melech she really is.

Lastly if her own husband treats her as a maid, sex object and ATM what does that tell her? How many husbands really treat their wives with the kovod they deserve? Is it any wonder, then, that so many Jewish women do not feel important and special in and of themselves? So what motivation do they have to dress in a dignified proper manner as befits an important person? Thus we need to start building the Jewish woman from within instead of harping on hemlines.

The Tznius CD

2006-12-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

Recently, I listened to a CD in the car (actually I was forced to listen to it) .

I was very surprised to hear what Rabbi Forcheimer was discussing as I always perceived him to be the most normal, and level-headed of the poskim in town. Now suddenly in an address about tznius to the Yeshiva he was saying that women and girls need to be careful not to swing their arms while walking in the street. I do not want to Chas V’Shalom mock or belittle any of the illustrious Talmidei Chochomin in Lakewood or elsewhere, but seriously can we get real..If girls are constantly busy focusing on how they are walking to such a degree, when do they get to grow spiritually and intellectually as Jews and people. When do they work on Middos, Betochin, Emuna, Chesed, and a myriad of other important concepts in Yahdus..

Another point in the CD was that he’s been receiving numerous phonecalls complaining that the husbands are being dropped off in front of Yeshiva, thus causing a tremendous Michshol for the bochurim and other Yungerleit.. He went on to say that although we have tremendous Zchusim for bringing the husbands to learn and supporting them, you lose it all by causing the bochurim to have bad thoughts , because then these bochurim can't learn all afternoon as a result of this.

One possible solution might be for the men to just walk to Yeshiva. The wives won't have to take them, and as a side benefit, they will get exercise in accordance with the President's council on Physical Fitness. Lately there are far too many extremely obese yungerleit littering the streets of the newly regentrified downtown area. Its a real eyesore to the neighborhood.

Another possibility, just close off the entire seventh street to women by day. Put up huge billboards in Yiddish that say all vibelach found in a five block radius of BMG between 7 AM and 8 PM will be shot on sight.

In other news, I have been informed that many elementary schools are banning all girls from third grade and up from wearing colorful banana clips in their hair.. This is a regrettably necessary measure that needs to be taken to prevent the lil boys from noticing them.

Smart girls learn how to act and what to say very early in life. Afterall, a girl's frumkeit is judged by mostly external things, such as what she wears, how she walks(poise doesn't count)etc. The daughter of my mother's friend is a prime example. She looks like a typical graduate of Bais Yacov but there's a certain gleam in her eyes. I have a very strong gut feeling that there's more there than meets the eye....another side of her that she doesn't show the world. It's nothing I can put my finger on but its definitely there. And no, I've never seen her in a banana clip....

Diets and Motivation

2006-11-15T16:38:00.000-05:00

A close friend of mine is the last one in her class to be still single at the ripe old age of twenty. It doesn't even matter that not all her classmate's marriages are happy ones. She's an alta maidel and her classmates aren't. That's what matters. Her parents feel that this horrible situation is due to the fact that she's not ultra thin. As a result they are forcing her to go to Weight Watchers with promises that once she looses the weight her chosson will magically appear.

She is a very bright, sweet, intelligent, extremely talented, attractive girl that would make a wonderful wife for any bochur. As a lifetime member of Weight Watchers myself, I can tell you that the first thing that any lecturer tells you at meetings is that you have to want to lose weight only for yourself. Not for your parents, fiance, husband, relatives, friends, or any other reason. Otherwise, you will fail to loose weight or just gain it back with interest.

Its also sending a very bad message, that the shallow, baser values of Hollywood and Madison Ave, R"L, that concentrate primarily on the external, are seeping into the most heimish homes and communities, regardless of how insulated they appear to be.

Another major pitfall of this is that its likely these girls will tragically just marry someone who is mostly attracted to them for their looks, and after one or two children, when there is a lot more of you to love, serious Shalom Bayis problems will emerge.

Its very prevalent that girls who have such pressure placed on them by their well-meaning, but misguided families have poor self images and very low self-esteem. As a result many tend to end up in abusive marriages. Furthermore, years of obsessive dieting can sometimes cause fertility problems and/or miscarriages c"v.

All this considered, why are young girls torturing themselves to be ultra thin? Why are supposedly loving parents tormenting their poor daughters to conform to some shallow bochur's adolescent fantasies? Why are some of the mothers of these bochurim encouraging their sons to demand ultra thin girls? Why aren't those who have influence with bochurim speaking out against this ridiculousness?

I wish I had the answers to these questions. All I know is wonderful girls like my friend deserve husbands who will appreciate them for themselves and not what dress size they wear.

What are You Doing For Lunch ?

2006-10-18T19:51:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful idea. Fifteen minutes of halacha and ten minutes of Chovos HaLovovos. What a great way to spend lunch. Even the lunch is included . But wait a second, its not for me. Its for Men Only.

And here I thought I was going to get more out of my lunch break. I guess not. My husband is no longer here for lunch, but I am. So, ladies , what are you doing for lunch..

Rosh Hashana

2006-09-27T20:44:00.000-04:00

I went to a really nice shul in Monsey over Rosh Hashana. It was a really beautiful, meaningful daverning. The Rov spoke so well that I decided to share it.

The famous question is asked why we don’t blow Shofar on Shabbos. After all we want to scare the Soton from interfering with our prayers on the Yom HaDin. If we don’t blow on Shabbos, aren’t we concerned that the Soton will prevent our prayers from being heard .Chazal tell us the reason is there is a fear that someone will carry the Shofar to Shul on Shabbos and transgress the prohibition against carrying on Shabbos. Rav Aharon Kotler had the following insight. Most people know that you cant carry on Shabbos without an eruv, so for who was this gezeira enacted. Its very unlikely that anyone in Monsey, Brooklyn, Lakewood, Jerusalem, Benei Brak will not realize that you cant carry on Shabbos and carry the Shofar to shul anyway. But, perhaps a new Baal Teshuva in Peoria that is just starting out and knows about Rosh Hashana and Shofar, but doesn’t yet understand all the laws of Shabbos will mistakingly carry the Shofar to shul. We all know that if its between all the “Choshuva” Yidden in Monsey and Benei Brak or the one baal teshuva in Peoria who takes preference and is considered more important. But obviously, Chazal views things differently. All the Jews in Monsey, Boro Park, Stamford Hill, Lakewood and Jerusalem are not blowing the Shofar on Shabbos because of the one baal tshuva in Peoria who might mistakingly carry the Shofar on Shabbos.

This past week there was a momentous event. A new Mikva was dedicated in China. It was sponsored by a Satmar chosid in partnership with a Lubavitcher Chosid who do a lot of business there. At the ceremony the Israel ambassador to China was invited to speak. When he saw the two partners sitting there, he said, you are both joined in this endeavor, now I know that Mashiach is certainly almost here. To which, the Satmar Chosid say, well, you are here, too, so Moshiach is already here..

When all the Yidden in Kiryas Yoel are not blowing Shofar on Shabbos, because of one baal teshuva in Peoria, that scares the Soton more then the Shofar does on the weekdays.

A Gemar Chasima Tova to everyone. May you all be inscribed for a good sweet year..

Shana Tova

2006-09-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

I want to wish all my friends and readers a Ctiva V’Hatima Tova. Hashem should grant us all a sweet and wonderful new year, and provide us with all our needs both material and spiritual.

As I think about what an exciting productive year this has been , I want to express my sincerest gratitude to Hashem for the goodness he has bestowed upon me, and for all the wonderful friends I have made both on and offline who have enriched my life immeasurably. At the top of the list is my wonderful husband, S. , followed by dearest Elisheva, who has been like the sister I never had and fills whose ever life she touches with sunshine. The Ribono Shel Olam, should pay her back with ehliche children in the near future who will follow her path of Chesed and Avodas Hashem. I would also like to express Hakoras Hatov to my sweet lovely friend from Canada. She should be zocheh to find her zivug, very soon, and he should merit to see just an infitesimal drop of her outstanding middos, and good qualities, that are even more beautiful then she is. Shosh, I cant even discuss, because I wouldnt do you justice. You make the world an infinitely better place. To all my other friends, that I met thru my blog, another blog, or in real life, (you know who you are) thank you from the depths of my heart for brightening my life with your gift of sharing of yourself with me.

With tremendous sorrow, I must also ask Mehila of anyone that I unintentionally offended . It was never my intention to hurt anyone. It is a tremendous nesoyin, to sometimes, see some commenters as just words on a screen and lose sight of the fact that there is always a Yid ( or an occasional reader from the nations of the world) with feelings who typed those words. In the future I will try and be more vigilant about how I respond and relate to everyone, from the one time commenter to those individuals who have welcomed me into their life and shared their secrets with me. It pains me greatly that I may of inadvertently, caused anyone who was vulnerable , pain or grief.

A GUT Gbenched Yor to everyone..

Fashion in the Frum World

2006-08-18T16:01:00.000-04:00

How is everyone’s summer going . I had one or two great post-ideas but my friendstalked me out of it ( you know who you are ).
So I finally decided to go with a request from another very close friend of mine. Shopping in frum clothing stores.
Some of the stores I have been to in Lakewood and NY have these rather annoying signs about hemlines and other “Tznius guidelines” . Hello, I went to BY and Seminary. I don’t need it shoved in my face every time I go shopping for clothing.
A lot of these stores have cramped dressing room areas, pushy sales-help, exorbitant prices and very few amenities. As a result I would much rather a very relaxing trip to the mall or shop online.
Some dept. stores have nice coffee lounges , nice décor, appealing and extemporary service. And the prices are still better than the outrageous prices in the little hole-in-the-wall basement stores in Boro Park and elsewhere. But unfortunately, there is lil variety of modest outfits in these dept. stores, as it is a radically immodest world.
A good part of the blame is our own fault. I remember a few years back a lady who was a world renowned fashion executive and became a baalas tshuva came to speak in Lakewood . Now she lives in Yerushalyim in a small apt and does little jobs in a home-based business. it’s a shame because of a woman of her abilities and talent could make a tremendous Kiddush Hashem. A friend of mine asked her why she wouldn’t want to spearhead a campaign to market a fashionable, tasteful Tznius line of lady’s outfits for today’s frum women, and snidely replied that all the women here manage to dress very elegantly. In my humble opinion that is very short-sighted.
On a positive note, lately I have discovered a lot of nice outfits on many frum Tzniusdik websites.

Platonic Relationships

2006-06-18T15:22:00.000-04:00

Before I start my topic, I just want to say for the record, that I think Michelle is a very special girl, and I hope she finds her zivug in the near future and raises a Bayis Neeman B’Yisroel. However, there were some very vicious comments made by her and others on her blog that were totally uncalled for. As much as it pains me to do so, since I really enjoyed her blog, she raised many salient points and wrote exceptionally well, I need to remove her link and cease participating on her blog.

Personally, I don’t care if someone wants to call me a girl, boy, or cocker spaniel. But, many girls shared some very personal, intimate matters with me, and if there was some doubt in their mind as to what I am, it could cause them considerable agmas Nefesh. I worked very hard on my blog, and B”h helped out a lot of people , and I don’t appreciate some thoughtless, insensitive jerks trying to sabotage it.

I was always taught that embarrassing someone in public or hurting someone’s feelings is infinitely worse then saying Good Shabbos to a boy , or having relationships with the other gender, platonic or otherwise.

If the seminaries and Yeshivas that those commenters attended didn’t impart that message they failed abysmally. Before you attack, I am not saying that all bf/gf stuff is 100% proper. Obviously, we arent melochim. Im just saying that intentionally hurting someone is far worse.
As for Plutonic Relationships, obviously everyone has to know themselves, and what their real intentions are. If you don’t have basic Yiras Shomayim, all the gedarim and Mechitzas in the world won’t help. It also depends on whether people are mature enough to handle it. Another factor is that when they come from very-repressed backgrounds they cant.
I can honestly say that I have had many close male friends in College, that I was not attracted to at all, based on age, appearance, and culture, but nevertheless were good friends. After marriage, it is clearly a lot easier to maintain such friendships without any improper thoughts whatsoever.

With all due respect, to Lakewwod and places like it, the problem with ultra-Right Wing frum communities is men and women don’t see each other as people. With all the emphasis on gender-segregation by everything imaginable, (there are even separate hours in some supermarkets) , and neighbors not even saying good morning to each other , it just reduces women into sex-objects and degrades them. This was never the intention of the Gedolim of previous generations.

Two Upcoming Events

2006-05-23T19:27:00.000-04:00

My husband brought home this poster and I was furious. How come any shiur, lecture, or presentation that remotely resembles learning on more than a 3rd grade level, or has the slightest bit of substance is restricted to men. To add insult to injury, at many shiurim and functions for men there are very nice refreshments at no charge, whereas virtually every single lady’s event charges at least ten dollars to every pathetic cow that walks thru the door. To be fair, often there is an elegant buffet, or an extravagant desert table, which is followed by an airhead speech or presentation that is fluffier then some of the Petit Fors served.

Legal holidays feature full-day programs for men only (of course) that entail hearty breakfasts and even more robust shiurim given by world renowned lecturers, many of whom give the same lecture for both genders in Flatbush. Recently, I asked why this is, and was told that there is no demand for it in Lakewood Ir-HaTorah, in a very condescending manner. The rationale is that nebach these poor souls have to work, let them at least have a Collel day on legal holidays. Whereas, the working women, who fund most of ‘Torah-town’’s economy are expected to use these legal holidays to catch up with cooking and housework.

I find it particularly appalling that next Monday there will be a seminar discussing real estate brokers in Halacha, for men only, when a good percentage of real-estate professionals in town happen to be women. This is a slap in the face to these hard working women.

Ironically, as we continue to preach about Tznius at every opportunity possible, both at simchas and tragedies the level of Tznius in Lakewood is going down as witnessed by the current trends in headwear and footwear that are favored by many ladies. Maybe if more learning and spiritual fortification was offered for women the degree of Kedusha, and that in turn would result in an increase in Tznius adherence.

In contrast, here is an ad for a women’s event. Notice the heavy-weight price and the light-weight content. I have a two questions on this:

1) How is it possible to have “Timeless Torah Wisdom” without Torah learning?
2) What exactly is the “Powerful Message”?

And of course, this concludes with a slide and song production entitled “Princess”
The charge is $12 for adults and $8 for students.

With all due respect to the highly impressive panel and rabonim, it seems to me that a gathering of this magnitude could be used to disseminate a great deal of Torah learning. If a woman defines herself as a Torah Jew, then all her roles in life will be defined in terms of this. With her mind sharpend and refined by Torah learning, she achieves kedusha and clarity of purpose.

Feelings

2006-05-15T20:32:00.000-04:00

I have been going thru many emotions this last week or so. From total denial, to shock and horror, to outrage, to nausea, to fear, to abject despondence and grief . After discussing this with many friends and a professional counselor, and weighing the pros and cons of writing about this, I decided that I need to write something for mental catharsis, and assuage the pain that comes from bottling up all the feelings inside.

If my dear friend, or her family is reading this, know that you are in my prayers, that Hashem should give you the strength to get past this , and go on to have a wonderful life. The entire community feels your pain and wishes you the best. It is my solemn wish that this should be a Kappora before the Ribono Shel Olam , instead of anything worse to your family, community, or Klal Yisroel. I hope this isn’t inappropriate on my part, in any way. I beg you for Mehila if it is.

This organization is wonderful in such matters and can be very helpful in getting thru the long-term path back to normalcy, health, and well-being.

Although the idea of Shomrim and greater awareness in general is positive, I feel it would be very beneficial, as well as, an unfortunate need for all Bais Yaacov schools to offer courses in basic self-defense. These can incorporated into a health/exercise program that would serve a double purpose of helping the girls trying to maintain a certain weight and get exercise, in addition to learning self-defense techniques that will help us all feel secure.

Glad to Be Back

2006-04-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

So how was everyone’s Pesach ? It was a very relaxing, enjoyable break, but I really missed being away from my blog and all the other blogs, that I love to read , as well as corresponding with all my cyber-friends. Bh, I have been fortunate enough to meet a few in real life, and hope to meet some others in the near future.

First off, married life has its ups and downs. Obviously, the closeness is wonderful. For example, even the little things like the Shabbos, YomTov, and Sunday afternoon walks by the lake, and going to Ritas for ice-cream and stuff like that. On the down side, it does tend to overwhelm you. Marriage is a major adjustment, especially if you don’t come from a large family and you are usually having your own space, and lots of privacy. Then suddenly, you have to share a room, and your life, and all your waking hours with a man. It can get a bit suffocating.

I am not sure, if this is good or bad, but my husband is even more of a rebellious spirit than I am. We were in Monsey in a restaurant that has posted signs (in Yiddish of course), that request and plead with all the customers to eat in separate male and female areas. My husband just sits down and starts feeding me, and says he can’t read Yiddish. Then we go to a store that sells snoods and women’s apparel, and he asks the saleslady if the store accepts money from men. Guess, I will just have to wait for the new Zman to begin so I can go shopping , alone and unfettered, as I wasn’t able to get anything. He said he was looking for the right snood for me that talks to him. So I told him, that they are going to cart him away to Rockland Psychiatric, if he is speaking to snoods. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that husbands should speak to their Callas, as opposed to her headgear.

As it is, I let him talk me into a long shoulder-length Sheitl that is murder to wear in the hot weather. Probably, I will just stick to falls and Kangol caps all summer.
Chol HaMoed was great. We went to Bear Mtn State Park one day, and bowling the next. It was a lot of fun.

YomTov was exceptionally enjoyable. There was a Young Israel-type shul that my friend introduced me to. The daverning was very nice, as were the extremely entertaing droshas that the Rabbi gave. It was also an extremely female-friendly shul. Something that is sorely lacking in Lakewood.. In six months, I have gone from a “bummy” girl to a young married woman who escaped from the asylum.

I hope you all a holiday season that was just as pleasant.

UPDATE

2006-04-03T23:44:00.002-04:00

Ok , now for the update you have all been patiently awaiting, and I have been really dying to write. B”h, I finally found some time for it.

I had an unbelievably , wonderfully romantic date after the first one that I wrote about . It started off in Manhattan near Central Park. We rode in a very elegant, stately horse-drawn carriage all around Central Park West and 92nd St for about an hour having a very fascinating conversation and taking in the sights and sounds of New York City, it was absolutely marvelous.
This was followed by an incredibly sumptuous meal at Abigails. Which is undoubtedly one of my favorite restaurants in the world, after the fabulous Steakhouse in the Laromme hotel, and the bistro on Diezengoff. On subsequent dates, we enjoyed the fine dining experiences of Kosher Delight, Mr. B’way, FugiHana, Levana, VaBene, and a few other really great ones that were out of this world.

After many, many phenomenally awesome day and night excursions, we finally started to take things seriously. As enjoyable as the fun and games were , it was finally time to take the plunge , despite considerable insecurities on both of our parts as we both had bad experiences in the past. Both of us had to be extremely cautious as we had suffered broken engagements in the past. But it was finally time for a lil Daas Torah.
First it was my turn, so I went to a big Rov in Brooklyn that I have known and trusted for years. After a very comforting and reassuring conversation, it was my partner’s turn , so off to Canada it was.

I consider myself very fortunate to say that the Tosher Rebbe is the holiest, most spiritually looking person I have ever seen in my entire life. After receiving a warm brocha from him, we were walking down Rue De Andre Roullette, when my soon-to-be Chossan in a most unromantic manner said, “Uh, this means were engaged”. I guess even the air you breathe in Tosh, affects even the most debonair guys.. But I was still very happy. About five weeks later, we were married.
It was very hush, hush and only my closest friends on or offline knew, due to the fact that I had several nr engagements, and one broken engagement in the past. So I wasn’t really going to get excited until it was fait acompli. To be honest, I am still not sure it really happened even with the ring on my finger or the annoying encumbrance on my head.
I must say, that it is a bit of an adjustment. We had our first official fight in the middle of Sheva Brochas week. I banged my hand on the table in frustration. Unfortunately I dented my Calla Zaiga in the process, a $4000 gold and diamond watch that was bought in France.
But all in all, the Chasana and Sheva Brochas was really wonderful and I am very happy.
I want to express my heartfelt appreciation and gratitude to all my friends who constantly me Chizuk and encouragement, you know who you are.
Lastly, in lieu of wedding presents, I am posting a button on the side of the blog, for a very Choshuva orphanage in Bnei Brak that helps a lot of children. Check out their website. I hope to be able to post more regularly now.

Is Chivalry Dead by Us

2006-02-28T09:26:00.000-05:00

A Freilichen Purim To All My Readers

Sorry, that its been a while since I posted last, I didn't mean to disapoint my readers.

I heard on a Pes. Krohn tape a story about the Ponivesher Rov Zt”L. The Ponivesher Rov was seldom ever seen without his frock. Nevertheless , he was walking in Bnei Brak, one evening past a bus stop, where there was a young woman who seemed to be shivering from the cold. He immediately, handed her his frock to wear, until she arrived at her destination. I found this story remarkable, because it seems like the gallant gentleman and stories of chivalry are viewed as being somewhat goyish and alien to our culture.

It bothers me greatly, how Yeshivishkeit, quite often seems to supersede menslickeit and being a gentleman.

A number of years ago, I was a guest at a Chasidishe family for lunch one Shabbos,. The mother was in her ninth month, and had very swollen ankles, yet she was still running back and forth from the kitchen, while her husband and numerous sons were just sitting around the table, oblivious to her discomfort. It was not my place to mix in and tell someone twice my age how to run their home, but it bothered me greatly.

On another occasion, a very Chasidishe lady was struggling to shlep heavy packages into her apt, while her husband was just walking in front of her meditating on the Shem Hakodesh or maybe what he is going to eat for lunch. My father, immediately helped her. It was very interesting to observe, how on the one hand she was very appreciative, yet on the other, probably on account of her culture and upbringing had that facial expression, “nebach, a moderna mensh vus hust nisht inzerer hinik “ .

You find this in our circles as well. For example, in Bagel Nosh, how often do you see a lady struggling to open the door with one hand and push a double stroller in with the other, while all the men waiting on line or eating don’t think to hold the door for her. If a man does offer , it is sometimes considered odd or less then Tzniusdik , in some misguided sort of way.

How come for example, in the parking lot of the library, I have observed a pregnant mother struggling to fold up a stroller and put it in the trunk, and while a frum man will not have a problem checking out the view from the rear, he won’t offer to help lift up the stroller.

And it isn’t limited to fremda women on the street. A former neighbor of ours is the nicest, friendliest guy around. He would do anything for anybody, a real baal Chesed. Yet, on Shabbos he sits by the table in a bekeshe and Streiml all jolly, smiling and singing. Meanwhile, his wife perpetually has bags under her eyes and looks very fatigued and exhausted and it doesn’t even dawn on him that maybe she needs a hand running back and forth from the kitchen. Maybe, he is just clueless

So I really wonder if there is something in the Heimishe mindset that detracts from polish and savoire faire or just plain Yiddishe middos.

I hope that I will be able to instill this sensitivity and middos into my sons, as this really bothers me greatly.

Blog Friends

2006-02-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, lots to discuss. First off Mazel Tov to Elisheva and her Chosson. May they share many , many years of Simcha together. Its amazing how close you can become in Blogland. For all of you, that are curious out there, I only know Elisheva by email. However, I feel happier for her than I have ever felt for any of my real world friends. I would really love to meet her, but we will see what happens. You see, on the one hand, it would really be great to finally see the face behind the hundreds of emails, of which I shall always cherish each and every one of them. On the other, maybe we couldn’t be as open and share as much if we knew each other in real life, especially in Lakewood.

What I like most about email and blog relationships is that since you don’t what anyone looks like or see their annoying quirks and mannerisms, you aren’t distracted by it and your entire personality comes out . This can be good and bad. For example, some boys who comment on my blog and seem to be real jerks , after you get to know them via email are incredibly sweet (you know who you are) . Conversely, others seem very cool and fly at first, then turn out to be major DORKS…

I have a very close email friend in Toronto, whom I know is very attractive. If I knew her in real life, there would probably be an intense jealousy-rivalry thing going on, but thru the wonders of cyberspace we have incredible chemistry.

In regards to my Shidduch. Yes, we still are dating, But I don’t move as fast as Elisheva, and don’t plan to. I hope to write some detailed narratives of our dates in the future. Interstingly, we have the opposite situation in regard to the blog. I showed him my blog, and he was incredulous. “You mean you got 300+ comments and you don’t have ads, are you nuts ? “ . Since I am a real novice to HTML code, it doesn’t look so pretty yet. But I promise, I will try to make it look much more aesthetic as soon as I learn more.

He actually, gave me about a dozen ideas to write about. But, I am going to take it on a day to day basis., as I really don’t want to completely surrender my uniqueness and individuality to a guy, no matter how wonderful he is.

In other news, I was elated to see my blog made the list recently on esefer..

Oh and one final point.. Simple patent leather pomps, nude hosiery, stylish navy blue skirt fashionably below the knee with a with white trim, white ruffled blouse, with blue tailored jacket, hair in a curly wave. Very conservative, yet tastefully applied makeup..
You’re the next contestant on NAME THAT SEMINARY !!!!

Time for a New Post

2006-01-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

First off I want to thank all my readers for a new record of over 300 comments on the last post..

I think that it is time for a new post.. And I am keeping my word that when things quieted down, I would post.

So for starters, let me do the Tag, that Eishes Chayil reminded me about once or twice .

4 Jobs I’ve had in my life

-Babysitting-Tutoring-Bookeeping
-Computer/Database upgrades.

Without a doubt, the most enjoyable job was with computers. That’s where I learned all about the internet, and software and all kinds of fun stuff. It was also the first job that I had outside the hermetically sealed bubble of Bais Yacov and frum society and got to meet, work with and learn about people from all walks of life and various etnicities. It was a real learning experience and I treasure it greatly.

4 Movies I could watch over and over

Kate and Leopold… SciFi, TimeTravel and Romance, it doesn’t get any better than that.. And Hugh Jackman is absolutely the cutest..My heart beats even faster every time I see it.

Stepford Wives..the most recent version.. It is scary how realistic that movie is. Basically, the only difference between the ladies in that movie and on my block is that the ladies on my block are Frum Jews.

TopGun…. A real feel good movie. Its very heartwarming. And the main characters in the movie are so unbelievably handsome, its mesmerizing..

Bridges of Madison County… I cry each and every time I watch it..

4 Places I’ve lived

-Lakewood
-Monsey
-Yerushalyim
-New Hampshire Just for a month, one summer, I loved it up there.

4 TV shows I love to watch

Since I started my blog and going to school I have no time for TV. But sometimes by Lunch in the College lounge I used to be addicted to Bold and the Beautiful
In High School, often I went to my friends to see BH 90210. Actually, my friends in HS were just Yeshivishe versions of the main characters in that show.
I’m also a tremendous West Wing fan

4 places I’ve been to on Vacation

New Hampshire
Orlando and Epcot Center
Israel
Belgium

4 WebPages I visit daily

Elisheva’s Blog
Yahoo
Shoshana
Google, obviously its such an incredible resource..

4 places I’d rather be

In Bnei Brak on a Friday right after Shkia , in the street right near Colel Chazon Ish where you can hear and feel Shabbos Kodesh descending on the earth.

By a close friends Chasana by the dancing when all the girls have different costumes

At the Spa , getting a facial, manicure, and a complete makeover, with the mud treatment

On a tropical island, in a hut that smells of jasmine sipping fragrant wine, snuggled up next to a very cute , tall, muscular bochur who is Yeshivish, but also has Savoir Faire.. (hey a girl can fantasize cant she)

4 Books I’ll read over and over again

-From Sarah to Sara everyone is a role model.
--Gateway to Happiness by H Pliskin
--Farenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
-- any Harlequin Romance novel, especially the futuristic ones

Now I tag

.… Frumgirl Elisheva TurquoiseBlue HNC

In other news..I recently was emailed a link to Chana’s blog. She writes phenomenally and claims to be 17, although I find it very hard to believe that she isn’t 30, because she is so mature and incredibly articulate. I am looking forward to many great articles from her.

Something Positive

2005-12-28T16:43:00.000-05:00

I think its time for a positive topic for a change. After a long, dryspell I finally went on a date last week.

We went to a very posh, luxurious lounge in a prominent Westchester hotel. It was actually quite cozy, sitting in the comfy overstuffed armchairs, in one of the smaller conference rooms. Although, I definitely felt that with the subdued lighting, lavender carpets, plush ebony couchs, hearthstone roaring fireplace, it was really a tad bit too romantic for a first date. Fortunately, BH I felt so comfortable and there was so much chemistry, for a change that it wasnt so bad.

The conversation was actually pretty intersting. Different things that are going on in Lakewood, like the new Hockey Stadium proposal. Yeshivish polotics is always so amusing. But I really had to bite my lip when the subject of Internet came up. Although, as a rule, Monsey boys tend to be more chilled out.

We also spoke about music, art, books, food and other stuff. All in all, it made for very stimulating conversation. I really enjoyed the indoor waterfalls, and gorgeous flower gardens. When we walked around the grounds outside, it was so conducive to amorous activity, I desperately wanted to at least hold hands, but BH I was good for a change and managed to do the whole Shmer Negia trip..

That is clearly due in part to a wonderful role model that I really look up to . I feel terrible that things didnt work out for her recently. B'ezras Hashem they will in the near future. I also want to thank my best friend, for her constant Chizuk, as well as, other friends. You know who you are...

The night was not without some adventure, when he took a wrong turn and we got totally lost and ended up in the Bronx, in the middle of the night.

However, I just love Bach, Beethoven, Tscaikovsky and the smell of Polo or Aramis. That along with wavy brown hair, a radiant smile, and a very robust physique really melts me.

All in all, it was a wonderful date..

Obviously, I have changed many details around to preserve anonymity..

Crushes and the Like

2005-12-11T23:42:00.000-05:00

UPDATE : AnySara Got engaged.... I wish her lots of Nachas and Simcha

I have received many emails lately of a very flirtatious and or inquisitive nature about admirations from a distance for myself or various girls in Lakewood or the community in which the writer of the email lives.

Some of these emails are very sweet and really melt your heart. Others are just clueless, not menacing , but no warmth and feeling either. Then there are those letters of the weird, creepy variety. Even though, its completely anonymous, and I don’t know them, and they don’t know me, it is still very scary.

Recently, I was considering whether to respond to a rather interesting letter. It was written very respectfully. The writer seems nice enough, in a pathetic sort of way. He claims to taken pictures with his cell phone of a girl he is very smitten with, and is very persistently, asking me to divulge personal information about a close friend of mine. So far, I have chosen to ignore him. I am not sure whether, I should admonish him about the picture or not. In the meantime, I will ask for advice in this matter from my many cherished readers, many of whom, are much more knowledgeable and experienced than me.

I usually try to respond to any email that is respectfully written, time permitting. And although, I like to IM with people that I already know, I prefer to avoid anon Cyber-Ims, especially from boys, (who quite often turn out to be married men, lol).

So for expedience sake, I am going to discuss this on the blog for everyone’s benefit.
It’s a perfectly normal, healthy part of adolescence to develop crushes on members of the opposite gender. Unfortunately, in our extremely gender-segregated society , where boys seldom ever mingle with girls, and can be in the Dorm or Beis Medrash (Study Hall), for months at a time. Even more so, in cases, where they have no sisters and their family lives in Europe or Israel, and they can’t go home for Yom Tov (holidays), it is possible to never or see or talk to a girls for years.. This was always problematic. However, the situation has been greatly exacerbated with the advent of internet, chatrooms, and text messaging.

As a result, you now have innocent, naïve girls, and very sheltered boys with no real world training in how to deal with the other gender, connecting with each other clandestinely, thru this new medium. Yet, many have no clue how to communicate respectfully. All the time , I receive three basic types of emails. Some are actually very touching in a Nebby sort of way. I respond to those, basically for the same reason that you feel for a cute, lost puppy that follows you home from school.Another type is very obnoxious and nasty. Get a clue, guys, very few girls are interested in or want anything to do with offensive jerks. Who know, maybe the Yeshivas intentionally encourage this in the bochurim to prevent from being too attractive to girls from the onset of puberty until they are ready to start dating.

Unfortunately, most of the guys I date are still like that. Story of my life, I guess.
Finally, there are very creepy, obscene emails sent by Cyber-stalkers that really give you the chills.

If this blog accomplishes anything, let me at least educate and provide a few pointers. DON’T take pictures of girls with your cellphone without their permission. If I caught someone taking my pic like that, I would kick him where it counts. I strongly advise any other girl to do likewise. And definitely, don’t email these pics to your friends or other girls. That’s very not cool.
Try writing a sweet letter or a poem .If you can’t think of something nice to say, there is a ton of stuff on Google. Or just speak from the heart and open up. Talk about yourself and your feelings That always works with me and most of my friends.

Finally, and most importantly, I am very appalled that I even have had to mention this to nice Frum boys, but, if you just cant control yourself and feel the need to write things like, “Sweetheart , whats your fantasy”, or anything of a more graphic nature, there are like a billion porn-sites and X-rated phone numbers to call.

Have a lil respect and decency and don’t send this filth to a Bas Yisroel.

Addenda: To Josh and others, thought I was clear, guess not. I meant nice , pleasant communication for purposes of Shidduchim, or understanding women for the eventual goal of Shidduchim, not uncontrolled licentiousness..

PS : Please check out my new links in my evergrowing group of Blog-friends

Shidduch Pressure

2005-10-31T15:08:00.000-05:00

I was drawing a blank on what to write about. But lately, I am receiving a lot of email about pressure and Shidduchim, not to mention my own current situation, so it got me thinking. The Girl's latest post clinched it.

It seems that whatever I do lately is my fault, according to my parents. Either I don’t dress ‘eidl’ , or too frumpy, too plain-looking, too flashy, etc.. My father is always telling me I have no Shidduchim, because, I am too lackadaisical and lazy about it. Yet, whenever I express a lot of interest, other people in the community perceive me as being over-aggressive or nebby . I am really not sure what to do anymore.

A friend of mine emailed me, that her father is pressuring her a lot to get married. However, whenever a name is suggested , the mother procrastinates until the boy moves on, and the father feels too awkward to take any action.

Another friend, waits a long time before a date is set up, and then is very indecisive. But, she desperately wants to get married with every fiber of her being.

Unfortunately, I have witnessed some very good girls crack under the intense pressure of Shidduchim. Recently, a close friend of my parents married their daughter off at the ripe old age of 21. Now, she is getting divorced, because they discovered that the boy is bi-polar, and prone to erratic mood swings. They tried for months to make it work. But, when he threw her into a wall in a fit of rage and threatened to hit her with a broom, that was the last straw.

Another girl, I knew was the last one in her class at Tomar Devora to get married at 18, an Alter Fro (old lady). She was very relieved to be out of the vice-grip, until he was raping and beating her. It took 3 years to obtain a Get, and her life was threatened several times.

The point of this post is not to tell horror stories (although it is Lhavdil, that day) . But rather, to realize that stress inflicted by well-meaning parents, and the extreme-pressure of a system that has gone insane, can and does traumatize girls, that results in depression and nervous breakdowns, or Chas-V-Shalom bad decisions you will regret for the rest of your life..

Be a Mentor

2005-10-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

This article made me take a good hard look at the situation that was so prevalent in my teen years, and even more so now.

Equal time: Giving our daughters a chance

The following is an article By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck. Rabbi Gluck is Director of Areivim, an organization that offers our youth advice and assistance, with a wide array of support systems. This article is syndicated with the express permission of Rabbi Gluck. Teens: Rabbi Gluck welcomes your emails.
In the last few years there has been recognition that more is needed for the non-performing teenagers. This has resulted in an explosion of new Yeshivas, diverse programs, and various organizations. I believe that these efforts are bearing fruit. Teenagers today are being listened to and offered alternatives that only a few years ago were considered unacceptable.
Consider the following: 25 years ago there were about four yeshivas that dealt with the non mainstream Yeshiva bochur. These Yeshivas were still set up with the same framework as that of a typical Yeshiva. The only concession made was in recognizing that their talmidim might not be able to pay attention for long periods of time.
Today, there are dozens of programs for boys. If we consider those Yeshivas in Eretz Yisroel, there must be close to 100 schools or programs designed for the atypical student. I have heard that recently a boys culinary school opened in Eretz Yisroel.
Our mechanchim are not the only ones to recognize the need for alternative schooling. Todays parents have come to accept that some children will not conform to any yeshiva program. Parents today are doing their best to accommodate their children with chavrusos and other innovative ideas based within the home itself.
With all the attention given to teenage boys it becomes somewhat of a wonder that 15 years ago, to my knowledge, there were still no alternative programs for the non typical Bais Yakov student. Today there are still less than 10 alternative programs for girls in existence. If we include the small out of town schools which, although mainstream, are often excellently suited for the non-city type girl, the number increases to a little more than a dozen possible options.
The sad truth is that todays teenage girls have a more difficult time than most boys. They carry guilt, anger, and confusion more intensely than boys do. Boys have fun and forget about it. For girls, it is more often a search for meaning. Each struggle, whether victorious or not, becomes deeply ingrained within their souls.
Girls different motivations are clear to those who work with our teenagers. Teenage girls, particularly those that are searching for answers that they find so elusive, take to poetry, art, and other forms of self-_expression. In speaking to teenage girls I have found their emotional needs and their emotional scars dramatically more severe. Even years later, after they appear happily married with their own families; there remains an internal need to purge themselves from their younger acts. To them no past deed is trivial and every thought is in need of a therapeutic response.
I do not assume that all, or even most, suffering children are inherently always in the right. My intention is to convey to the reader how deeply the teenage girl is trapped in her confusion, unhappiness and with her many internal conflicts.
Girls are confused. It is true that much of their confusion is the result of their wanting to cross boundaries, yet we must still accept the responsibility of providing them with a direction in life. We must also bring to life our views explaining as much to them as we can. If we find ourselves deficient, then we must look to others to fill this void.
After many long talks with parents and their daughters, I believe that I have gained a better understanding into their minds and insecurities and as a result have developed an approach that I would like to share in this article.
Todays generation is way too busy. B■H the average family is significantly larger than it was 20 years go. These larger families naturally result in less time for each child. Many in our community may at times become overly concerned with possessions and our social status. This too distracts us from our most important treasure; our children.
The effect of all this is that many of us find ourselves too distracted, limiting our ability to mechanech our children. We have become numbed by the endless deadlines and numerous responsibilities that confront us daily. We find ourselves constantly reacting to emergencies. We are in a mental coma, and many of us can no longer properly anticipate our children needs until it is too late.
Many have found that we are not asking enough important questions, such as ⌠What is going through my daughters mind lately? Is she happy? Does she have questions or insecurities that I should be paying attention to? Instead, the immense pressures in our lives cause us to let things slide as long as we possibly can.
Unfortunately, allowing things to slide also allows things to build up until they reach epidemic proportions. Tzinius, substance abuse, and chilul Shabbos are a few of them. It is the boys rebellion, though, that most often jars us into action. They rebel in a loud attention grabbing manner. Girls, however, rebel in a way that is more often directed internally and is not felt by others.
A parent cannot ignore the son who has just been arrested. A parent can ignore the daughter who has not been herself for the last few months.
About two years ago Areivim opened a hotline for teenagers. I personally respond to the large majority of calls. I have noticed a dramatic difference between the calls that come from boys than from girls. The boys are in trouble and want to know how to get out of it. Sometimes they are feeling guilty and would like me to somehow remove the guilt. Most calls, in general, are the result of a dramatic incident.
This is clearly in contrast to the calls that I have received from the majority of teenage girls. I would listen to their explanation of why they were upset with a teacher, a parent, a friend, or a roommate. I initially felt that I was wasting my time. It all seemed so trivial. Then I reconsidered. Here were teenage girls calling a total stranger. Why? This call must be important to them. There must be a compelling reason for them to overcome the natural tendency to not share personal feelings with strangers.
These experiences made me rethink my preconceived ideas about our teen age daughters, and therefore my approach to kiruv with our teenage daughters. Maybe girls dont need 100 different schools. Maybe they dont need a school that teaches crafts instead of math two. Maybe todays teenage girls just need someone to talk to, either anonymously or in person. Teenage girls, more than boys, need an e-mail or phone partner. All they need is someone to talk to late at night when they are unsure about tomorrow.
There is no doubt that many of our mentor discussions concern the big issues. I speak to 15 year old girls about not speaking to boys. I help 17 year olds try to put their lives together again. I help 18 year olds decide on the right seminary. 19 year old girls are looking for approval for their prospective choson. In these last few years I find myself also discussing parenting with the same boys and girls who, just a few years before, couldnt understand why their parents should have the right to have any say in their own lives.
Other times though, it is difficult to pinpoint the purpose of our discussions. What is clear is that someone should take the time to listen, show empathy, although not necessarily agreement, and when needed, offer practical and effective suggestions.
Sadly, few people today take the time to listen, advise, and encourage them into real growth. This is unfortunate because teenage girls need much less of our magic than boys do, making their needs something that should be easily available.
Although a real need does exist for alternative schools this is not our most urgent battle front. Instead schools are training their teachers to recognize the first hints of confusion and disenchantment. Almost a year ago an experienced teacher commented to me that, Most teachers dont look to see what is behind our students eyes. Even if we notice the sadness within them we do not know what to do. Today the school has begun to adapt to this challenge.
It might be the time to ask our teachers, particularly those who have recently come back from Eretz Yisroel, to humanize themselves a little more to their students. Structure is essential yet so is the expressing of our human side. Difficult, yet not impossible, this two pronged approach must become the standard of success within our Bais Yakov teachers.
There are already many such committed mechanecheses. Many teachers recognize the individuality of each student and have taken upon themselves one student as a special project. Other teachers feel that they are not able to undertake a student, and search for a former teacher, or an affiliated big sister. Often a mentor with true Torah hashkofo as well one who has an appreciation of the schools philosophy is assigned to this girl.
Equally important is the need to help our teachers learn to articulate the widely accepted and only recently challenged halochos of our Bnos Yisroel. It is ironic that because certain Halachas and minhagim has been so widely accepted within our schools and homes that many of us, even our teachers, have forgotten how to explain its source, its halachic guidelines, its chumros, and more importantly, the beauty of these mitzvos.
I would like to conclude by confirming that: mi kamcho Yisroel. Klal Yisroel continuously adapts to each nisoin presented to us during our long golus. Most recently we have learned to understand our teenage sons and are making headway in that area. Certainly we are just as capable of offering our daughters the same energy and vision to help them through their challenges.

When I was in H.S., you needed to basically fit in. Like, if you weren’t the prototype “good girl”, you were pretty much on your own, socially, emotionally, and most other ways, if you survived in that atmosphere at all. I saw a number of girls lost by the wayside, which is really sad. There obviously, never will be a 100% solution, but in in my humble opinion, an objective counselor , whose sole agenda wasn’t merely to ensure that you fit the mold, would make all the difference in the world. Very often, I so desperately just needed someone to talk to. My mother was occasionally helpful in that regard, whereas my father was always far worse then my teachers in school or the community.

Seminary, was pretty much more of the same. The main difference was that now, I was already an adult with a new found freedom in a strange far off country. The result was that the year in Israel primarily consisted of Tiyulim (trips) , and meeting boys whenever I could, along with lots of indoctrination in the Sem, itself. Once, again there was a tremendous need for in-house counseling, or just someone, “who’s been there”, to hold your hand and show you where to go.

As an aside, it would be nice to have an advisor for those girls, who don’t have the innate ability or simply are not interested in going into Chinuch (teaching). There are other fields to go into, because Hashem, did after all create a myriad of talents and abilities, as well as, a job out there, somewhere to take utilize each and every one of these skills. But that’s a subject for a different blog, IY”H.

Even now, my greatest source of support and Chizzuk, comes from email and cyber friends. Ironically, instead of Lakewood (or other communities of a similar ) “rising to the occasion” , and creating viable alternatives, they are resorting to merely banning the internet. Fortunately, its directed primarily at school-age children, which I tend to agree with. Because, lets face it, the Internet is a very dangerous thing, for children, who lack the judgment that’so crucially needed. On the other hand, there really is very little that you can do about adults, who need to work or go to College, in order to support future husbands in learning, and already have laptops with wireless connections, to use for their education (ie: sending papers and exams to professors)., and other related matters.

In synopsis, I would strongly encourage any women, single or married, reading this, to consider being a big-sister/mentor to a teenaged girl in your neighborhood or community. It could really change her life in ways, that you can’t even begin to imagine.

Current Thoughts

2005-09-11T11:21:00.000-04:00

A recent article in a local magazine called the The Voice of Lakewood, really irked me. It was a very cutesy article, that basically starts off by mentioning these 2 rather odd missionary ladies that march up and down Clifton Ave in bright red costumes and take turns screaming about the gospel Lhavdil. The article then goes on to say how different we are, in that we avoid sticking out and drawing attention to ourselves., and launches into still another diatribe about Tznius.
While, I realize that the schools, Seminaries, and homes need to shove Tznius down your throat ad-nauseum and ad-infinitum. Whenever there is a lady’s shiur in town, if you can call it that, or a gathering for the “Nashim Tzidonius” aka “The herd of docile cows”, it seems that is all that is addressed. That is irritating in and of itself, but I feel that this article crossed a line. Instead of taking this as an opportunity to point out the basic differences between Yiddishkeit and Lhavdil other things to us mere girls; the article chose instead to go into detail about not wearing red garments or attracting attention to ourselves.

It starts off by informing us that missionaries are lurking around looking to prey on innocent, vulnerable, ignorant people, but instead of arming us with the valuable info we so desperately need to deal with this threat and confront it head on, the author, instead uses it as a springboard for still another excuse to talk about hemlines and colors.

I know that many of you are thinking, that these miss. Ladies are just mishagoyim (lunatics). First of all, I highly doubt that they will successfully convert any frum Jews in Lakewood, however, even if it results in a having a momentary thought of confusion in your head that is a very serious sin. If I am not mistaken, even more severe then wearing a denim skirt. The 13 Cardinal Principles of Faith, as set down by the Rambam and others applies to men and women, equally. In fact, if you don’t know them clearly, it is tantamount to apikorous, R”L.. Secondly, 95% of American Jews are completely ignorant of their faith, and you are bound to run into one of them one day, at work, on a train, a doctor’s waiting room, the mall or what have you and you need to know how to speak intelligently about this..

Recently, I was in Brick library, near Lakewood, where I encountered two very attractive, charming young ladies .From the distance they looked exactly like Frum girls. Once, I was face to face with them, I realized that they were Christian missionaries. I thought that I knew Tanach, pretty well, cause like I learned tonz of it in High School and Sem.But these women really gave me a run for my money and made my head spin.I was left at a loss for words.
I realized from this incident, that while everyone is telling me what color stockings to wear, how to walk, how to talk, how to sit, what type of hemline and neckilne to shop for; no one is providing me with the crucial info I need to be able to defend my faith in this age when we are bombarded from all sides constantly.. It is very imperative that I have this vital knowledge for myself, as well as to disseminate to my friends, fellow students at college, people that I meet that I meet from all walks of life, and eventually, B’ezras Hashem, bkorov (with G-d’s help very soon) my own children..

To my dear teachers, I know that you think that Lakewood is a wonderfully, insulated, sealed bubble. Well, like HELLO !!, its really not.

In other news, as the new school year begins, it seems that 80 girls were not accepted into the local elementary and High Schools. While having lunch with my father at a local eatery last week, I witnessed a heated debate . . Many of the ‘tzadikim’ (SIC) in our fair town , don’t want their daughters in class together with girls who come from homes with a TV, secular magazines, OU-D products, mothers who wear short sleeves, or perish the thought, Hashem Yraheim, fathers who don’t wear white shirts. It would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so tragic. What is really ironic, is that I have witnessed firsthand, some high school-aged daughters of these very outraged fathers, in local libraries viewing websites and chatrooms, that most decent , Non-Jewish parents would not want their children in, as well as, hanging out in some rather inappropriate places. If these parents, would instead sincerely, be concerned about all the “yiddishe kinderlach” in our ‘wonderful’ community , they would have the Siyata D’Shomaya (heavenly assistance), that their children would not be doing the aforementioned things. These are not only my thoughts, my father heard this firsthand from his Rebbeim.

B”H, Reb Elyashiv and Reb Steinman, may they continue to be well and strong and guide us with their wisdom, came out with a ruling that no schools are to open until all the girls have a place to go to.

Let us hope, that this matter is resolved quickly, and all the misguided souls are granted the Daas or intelligence that they so desperately need..

SELF - ESTEEM

2005-08-25T20:40:00.000-04:00

I have often wondered what the Torah’s intentions of Tznius was and how it became so convoluted.
For example, take something as elementary as cosmetics. I had a date a few months ago. While the boy was sitting in my parent’s living room, my father called me into another room , handed me a baby-wife and told me to remove my eye-makeup, because it didn’t look eidl . In my high-school, many times girls were sent to the bathroom to wash their face, when something was deemed inappropriate. There were only girls present. Were they worried that we might turn the janitors on.
Quite often, my teachers would quote ad-infinitum and ad-nauseum, Rabbi Falk’s book on Tznius, the Bible in most seminaries. He cites an often quoted Gam’ that says that, before the destruction of the Holy Temple, women would wear mascara and eyeshadow to incite the men to sin with them and this was one of the causes of Hashem’s anger with the Jewish people and the ensuing Destruction.
With all due respect to Rabbi Falk, I went to Hirhurim, an excellent site , that I highly recommend and did a little research. It seems that according to Rashi, the Gam’ is only talking about married ladies, and even according to those authorities, that are of the opinion that it refers to single girls as well, it means wearing facial makeup, for the specific purpose of seducing the men. I find it hard to believe that this would apply to girls who merely want to feel good about themselves.
My point is that quite often a girl’s self esteem depends heavily on her looks, and how beautiful she feels, especially in the turbulent, emotional adolescent years.
Many girls in my class, looked like “death warmed over”, without foundation, rouge, or eyeliner. If their appearance was so depressing to me, one can only imagine how they felt when they looked in the mirror and the effect it had on their psyche, and emotional well-being.
Another example is nail polish. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to, I do not go to the mikva yet. Hence, there is no necessity, to remove it monthly. Now, I am not talking about something tacky and garish , or outlandishly provocative like neon green with white pokadots. However, I am often told by many well-meaning ladies that even something simple like pink or lite silver, “pasht nisht far a Yiddishe meidl” ( isn’t proper for a Jewish girl). Having my nails done in a salon is tremendously uplifting to my morale, and makes me feel good about myself. Whereas, bare nails is a painful reminder that I am not a Calla yet. Sometimes, all it takes is the right nail-polish and perfume to ward off depression. It is a lot cheaper monetarily and psychologically then anti-depressants or even eating the wrong things and gaining weight.
So I would implore and cajol all Bais Yacov high-school and Seminary principals and teachers to to realize the effect they are having in destroying the self-esteem of our precious and innocent young girls, when you write up and enforce your policies.
As always, I would appreciate all feedback..

My Take on Dating during Seminary Year

2005-08-16T21:32:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've been mean meaning to post for a long time and stuff kept coming up. I have really been meaning to gripe about the famous Tznius letter but that will have to wait a bit.

With all due respect to my newest blog-friend Elisheva, I'd like to tell things from my perspective. Although, it is very true that many boys in Israel can mislead girls, either because they are just plain mean, or more often out of sheer desperation. However, it also happens with girls.

One day, I walked into a dorm room, without knocking first and was horrified by what I saw. Over the next few weeks, I witnessed some other very disturbing things. Coming from a very sheltered home in a very insulated community, I was totally shocked. It was then that I realized that it was imperative that I find a boyfriend, both to maintain my sanity, as well as, just to make my stay in Israel a lot more fun and enjoyable. (No, not that kind of fun, get your head out of the gutter, JI, CJ, and the rest of the boys who come here with vivid imaginations).

My favorite places to meet included the King George Plaza in Jerusalem, and Diezengoff in Tel Aviv. There you can always find the cutest American, English, and Australian bochurim. Lets see go on tiyulim (tours) to museums or Tiverya, Sfas and other shidduch-segula places with some nauseatingly, frummy girls or a hot club in Tel Aviv or Jerusalem, or some exciting camping trip in Timna, or just ice-cream on the plaza with a nice sweet guy. Talk about your no-brainers. Fortunately, the drinking age there is not 21, like here and its very easy to bribe or flirt your way into most places. The lure of it all was, hey my parents (especially my father) isn't here lets party.

I must admit that I really regret letting some potentially good shidduchim get away, on account on my level of immaturity. Usually, the boys were much less interested in serious shidduch-dating then I was. But once or twice a bochur started to get a lil serious. I would really try as compassionately as I could, to tell him, that myself, my parents and family would probably not consider him an appropriate shidduch, but you make a great boyfriend. Looking back, I feel bad, but my hormones were clearing overpowering my mind and judgement.

B"h, I have grown up a lot since then. I still have occasional "boyfriends", but at least I am not aggressively pursuing such relationships. And after one or two "dates", if I see that they have zero potential for a Shidduch, I usually end it. Ok, ok, sometimes I still "hang-out" a bit. I am just a Lakewood girl in 2005, not Bas Kalba Sovua ( a famous lady from Talmudic Times).

When you are raised in a very rigid, intense gender-segregated community and your father never stops preaching to you, just holding a boy's hand can feel infinitely more thrilling then hours of the best love-making for your contemporary non-Jewish cosmo-girl. I am not totally rebelling against the system and I definitely want my children to have pretty much the same committment to Torah and Yiddishkeit. All I am saying is let me breathe.

I realize that some of you will Mussar me out for this. May I humbly suggest that you instead say Tehillim that I find my Beshert soon..

Interview with Yeshiva Bochur

2005-08-03T23:47:00.000-04:00

Here are answers and feelings to EN's questions

Here are the interview questions: 1) If you were able to get an entire make over, breast implants, lipsuction, nose job ect. Would you? Why or why not?

I obviously don’t need implants as I am already a DD, in fact I was the biggest in my 12th grade class. But I definitely would do everything else, including a nose job, remove a little from the hips, lighten my complexion, improve my smile, and have nicer legs. It is very important for an adolescent girl to look and feel her best, as self-esteem is very crucial. Also, as the Shidduch market becomes more and more competitive all the time, you need every advantage. That is not at all to say that I am vain and superficial, just that you need to make every normal histadlus you can.

2)If you were able to press a button and become not Jewish, would you? Why or why not?
No, I definitely wouldn’t, because being Jewish defines who I am as a person. Without that I wouldn’t be me. Also, I am immensely proud to be or at least try to be a Bas Yisroel.

3What changes would you like to make to the Yeshivish System and why?
For starters, I feel it is important to give girls much more learning and values to survive in America of the 21th century . In my community, high school and seminaries, the vast majority (there are exceptions), of girls and teacher are mindless autonotoms that only know how to be “frum” in a place like Lakewood or Boro Park, but could not go to Auckland, New Zealand and be a beacon of Jewish traditions, morals, and values. They go on to be married ladies that are workhorses/sex-objects, as opposed to being shining examples of Jewish womenhood, for example, Bruria, Rashi’s daughters, or Reb Ahron’s mother.
The boys should be molded into men possessing Middos, Derech Eretz, and above all Menslichkeit. As opposed to conformist, black-hatted monkee-see/monkee-do jerks. Once again, this isn’t all bochurim, but far too many.

4) If you were a parent what would you tell your daughter who had/ or wanted to have sex before marriage?
As hypocritical as this sounds, once I grow up and get past the hormonal craziness of my age, I would caution my daughter that once you give it away you can’t take it back. I would tell her not to do something she will regret for the rest of her life. Because the emotional, and psychological scars are permanent.

5)Who is your role model for life?

Definitely, my grandmother. She came here from Hungary in 1905. America was a very hostile place for Jews then. She didn’t cover her hair, keep Cholov Yisroel, or constantly preach about how sheer your tights are, but she possessed more core Jewish values, Chesed, and Yiras Shomayim, in her lil finger than anyone I know who is alive today. She was very vibrant, tenacious, tough, and above all sincere. I only wish I can grow to be 1% the woman she was.

Now the rules again: ( You need to put these in your post) 1) Leave me a comment saying "interview me please." 2)I will respond by asking you five questions ( not the same as above) 3)You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions. 4) You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. 5) When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them five questions.

A Tale of Two Dates

2005-07-19T19:00:00.001-04:00

It was the best of dates. It was the worst of dates.
A few weeks ago, I was restocking the Bikur Cholim pantry in one of the local hospitals, when a bochur walked in to get a cold drink before visiting his grandmother. He was so incredibly gorgeous ; very tall, skinny, curly brown hair, luscious blue eyes, and a real adorable smile. I just said hello, shyly. Then as fate would have it, the following Motzi Shabbos, I seen him in Shoprite, and I literally forgot my shopping list, because he was so mesmerizing .It was rather embarrassing, because I couldn’t stop looking at this astonishingly handsome guy, but we just exchanged smiles. The clincher came over the past weekend. When I ran into him again at Ocean County Mall. This time, since we were in a neutral place and no frum people were around we struck up a conversation. After a while we mutually agreed to go to a nearby movie. The new remake of Willy Wonka was playing. As a child, it was one of my favorites, and one of the only videos my father would allow in the house. This remake was drastically different, although to be honest, I barely saw the movie. Yossi was a little bit too frisky for my tastes, but he was so devastatingly cute, I felt paralyzed. .In fact, I thought that I drank too much soda and didn’t make it to the lady’s room in time. I realized later, that (blush) , that wasn’t the case. After the movie we went for ice-cream and had a very nice conversation.
A week or so ago, I had a very different sort of date. Several months of information checks that would make the recruiters at the human resources dept green with envy, went into setting it up. Dovid (not his real name), picked me up at my house. This bochur didn’t exactly make young girls drool, but I always endeavor to be open-minded. Whereas, Yossi had a sweetness about him, Dovid was very arrogant and a tad bit obnoxious. We went to B&N, a nice shidduch place, I suppose. Anyway, after waiting on line in the Café, for like half an hour, and playing another round of the “I’m frummer then you game”, we opted to just walk back and forth in front of the stores.. Finally, we settled for sodas, nearby. I haven’t felt so awkward and uncomfortable in a long time, as the conversation was very strained. So, here I am with Mr.- Borsalino-and over-powering-bad-cologne, and I can’t think of anything to say. As we walked, he was looking at his reflection in every store-window, It seemed like he was so in love with himself, is there room for anyone else. He kept admiring, and brushing his hat, so much , I was sorely tempted to grab it and step on it. In fact, he just spoke about himself the whole evening.
At least, now I know everything that you don’t want to know about buying ties, hats, and white-on-white shirts. Basically, he is a spoiled kid, who never worked a day in his life, who is very eager to recruit a Semgirl to work hard for Dovid Inc., so that he can be busy “keeping the world in existence” (barf, barf), or at least pretend to be.

Cyber Rape

2005-07-10T23:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry, its been a while since my last post. I sort of got addicted to chatting, and one particular chatroom, so that might as well be the subject of tonite’s article. It can be a very fun place to surf to, however a few caveats are in order.
If you like to cyber-tease, and don’t mind all te stupid pickup lines at best, or the vulgar disgusting obscenities at worst, then go for it.

However, most of us really don’t appreciate it. Don’t get me wrong. I like to chat with guys. But, “ASL, are you a babe”, “Can I do you”, “Lets meet, sweet stuff”, “I can be discreet”, and other openers that I would rather not write here are examples of offensive first liners that really turn me off.

Reverting back to the theme in my last post, it amazes me to no end how so many allegedly Heimishe men can be married for ten years or more, have large families, and still don’t have a clue how to speak to women respectfully. This is very unfortunate, because Yiddishe ChatRoom and other such sites could be very enjoyable diversions, that help you de-stress and meet new friends. It’s a shame that some losers have decided to turn it into their own forum for what my friends have termed “CyberRape” or “HiTech Gangbang”.

My suggestion to any girls that have experienced this and found it offensive is, not to be intimidated, but rather tell the chatter on the other end that you do not appreciate being addressed in such an uncouth manner and find it very distasteful. If enough of us speak up, maybe they might just get a clue..

Ben's Request

2005-06-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

Ben asked me to write a post discussing the article and answering the questions raised on his blog. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter.

I am amazed at the breadth of information in this article. This blog not even going to try to resolve halachic issues. Bear in mind, I’m a mere girl, remember. Therefore, this is strictly my emotions and feelings on the matter. I think it’s totally absurd. You need to exercise some common sense. If you repress girls to that degree they either go one way or the other. They either start to like like girls ( I witnessed a fair amount of lesb. behavior in Eretz Yisrael). Predominately by very innocent, naïve girls that weren’t even aware that, that’s what they were doing. On the other hand, like me, they start to like boys, (I mean really like boys!!).

This isn’t an attempt to justify it, but my emotional stability depends on enjoying relationships with boys. Firstly, I have lousy shidduchim, and very hot boyfriends, who unfortunately are clearly not good husband/father material.. Secondly, too many of my married friends have serious Shalom Bayis problems because they never quite learned how to relate to boys and married the first or second one they dated, usually at their parent’s behest.. It can take years to work the kinks out in such a relationship. Very often, this leads to one of several possible scenarios.

They either end up very inhibited in their marriage, causing much grief and frustration to their husband. This causes some of the men to unfortunately, go on to relieve that frustration with other inappropriate partners. On the other hand, many overly repressed girls end up committing very severe aveiros after marriage, R”L. We won’t discuss that here, though because B”H I have very little exposure to it. However, check MargaritaGirl , Streiml, and various Yahoo groups (which I am not necessarily endorsing).

Obviously, this is a rationalization, but I have tremendous emotional cravings for comforting conversations, hugs, caresses, etc. , and I have no desire to take all the antidepressant medications for the emotional and psychological issues described by ShomerNegia on her blog.

Nothing makes me happier or cheers me up more, especially after a traumatic experience in school or a very depressing shidduch breakup than going for a drive with a casual boyfriend to Seaside or the Point. We drink ice-cream sodas, talk, vent , and just hang out. After that, the world is an infinitely, nicer better place.

In fact, this past Shabbos, I was in Monsey. My friend, lets call her Chana Esther (obviously not her real name), told me about another secluded place she goes to off Carlton Rd, to French-kiss with her boyfriend. She is a very sweet, happy girl, who is nice to everyone. She is always ready to do a chesed and never speaks Loshon Hora. Contrast this, to many girls in my Seminary that are very tense and uptight. You know for sure they never, ever have anything to do with boys at all, because they all have that pinched look on their face. Some are downright mean; others have very vicious mouths.

Therefore, in synopsis, to answer Ben’s questions, here goes. 1) & 2) I would say that I think it definitely is a teenager parroting what she was taught at an indoctrination center (excuse me, Seminary). She may of crossed the line and decided to do tshuva and write this, but I’m not sure. 3) Obviously, who am I to comment on whether this is halachically correct. Ask your LOR. 5) It doesn’t seem like she has the capability to believe what she is writing. My impression is that she is just ‘programmed to respond in this matter’. If it is sincere. all the more blessing to her.

As for 6) , I would say that my schools were all very intense and overly focused on this matter at the expense of ‘bain odom l’chaveiro’ and ‘darchecha darchei noam’. And, in my home, lets just say that if my father could, he would make me wear a sweatshirt, on the street, stores, and anywhere that men are present, that says “Warning, I am a living breathing Porkchop, maintain a safe distance”. But, I still love him dearly despite that.

Finally, I don’t feel it is healthy or natural for men to live or work in estrogen-challenged environments. Let me give two examples. I was at a dinner for my brother’s yeshiva a few weeks ago. On the men’s side of the mechitza, there were plates of food debris piled up almost high enough so that you cant see across the table, soda bottles and cigarette butts strewn all over. Many of the men were wearing very expensive suits and ties, with their 200$ Borsalino hats, and eating with their hands. On the women’s side, everyone was eating the Waldorf salad and extravagant fruit platters so gracefully, Emily Post would be proud. Talk about a ‘Tale of Two Cities’

Over Yomtov, I ate one or two meals by my aunt. On one side of the table Shimmy was spitting into a soup bowl, and Fido (I mean Avrommy) practically had his face in the plate. Meanwhile, Leah and Brocha sit and eat with such poise and soie de vivre, you can hear the violins playing in the background. Clearly, the boys need the civilizing influence of girls in their life.

That’s my take. Looking forward to feedback, positive or negative.

Modesty or Subjugation

2005-06-20T17:35:00.000-04:00

I usually help out in the kitchen with Shabbos, Yom Tov, and weekday meal preparation, so its my job to peel and cut vegetables as well as check for worms and bugs in them.
So, I was rather annoyed to see posters up all over for a shiur and video presentation of checking for worms, being given this Wed. night by a world renowned expert. Naturally,
it is for men only, in Yiddish.

This makes no sense to me, as very few men are involved in day-to-day meal preparation. Are the women expected to learn this by osmosis, or does it mean we are free of the responsibility to check for bugs. Let the men do the work; they went to the shiur.

However, this is par for the course in Torah Town, USA. The Torah in TorahTown is only for the men, while the women in TorahTown, USA keep the town running but don’t actually run anything in the town.

It starts off with 5 year old boys getting prizes, rewards, and ice-cream parties for learning, usually at no cost to the parents, while little girls get to help clean the house, and work in the kitchen or go to Sunday Funday groups for arts&crafts or baking, which costs a pretty penny.

Older girls in high school, seminary, or married only get ‘inspirational’ lectures for which they have to pay. They also get the colorful posters and fancy fruit platters. The men are given constant hizuk in Torah, Yiras-Shomayim, Middos, and Avodas Hashem, and are told by their Rebbeim, parents, chavrusas, and mentors from the earliest age, that they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and are keeping the world in existence. While us girls are constantly being told ad-nauseuem and ad-infinitum not to wear very colorful sneakers, skirts that are too short, too long, too bright, too flashy, or Heaven forbid stockings that are too sheer.

Tznius is a beautiful thing, and our Gedolim are trying very hard in a challenging, difficult generation. But somehow when the message of ‘Bnos Yisroel haim Melochim’ distillates down to the rank and file, it becomes Jim Crow is alive and well and living in our communities.

Introduction

2005-06-16T16:45:00.000-04:00

This is my first blog, so I am probably very inexperienced at it. I have been visiting numerous blogs over the past year and a half both as a reader, and occasionally an avid commenter. While I have enjoyed many of them, I havent really found one that adequately discusses the issues I face from day to day. While I'm not your average frummy goody-goody girl, BH I'm not completely off the derech either. Both my online friends as well as, real-life Sem-friends have told me on more then one occasion that there really aren't any blogs out there that deal with this. I will admit that I really loved TheGirlsh. Howev she stopped writing about two months ago. Also, my friends and I are not British.

This blog is aimed at girls, like myself who may be considered "bummy" (I hate that label), by teachers, shadchanim, nauseatingly f-frimter girls, and even their own parents. I think we are just living in a very complicated world that doesn't always make sense. We have numerous nisoynos constantly and we are just trying to deal with them as best as we can. Whereas, my brothers have Rebbeim, and learning and excellent support-systems in place, I feel I am just short-changed. Constantly, I am being pressured to conform to sorts of social rules and conventions, while being given very little by way of explanation and understanding. Maybe this isn't the case in all American frum communities. I would like to think its not, but is very real where I live and go to school.

I would like to discuss on this blog, social activities with other girls and married women, Shidduchim, dating (not necessarily marriage-oriented), Tznius, Negia, and other things as they come up.